This place is supposed to be focused on saving your marriage, no matter how far gone it is.
No, this place is about fixing yourself first. That is the goal. Get yourself to a place where you can be the best you can, so if your ex does come back you will be in a better place for a new relationship. And if she doesn't, then you will be a better person for the next relationship with someone else.
There are moments in this life when you are so confident in the rightness of your actions, that not even for a second do you consider the option that you might be wrong.
I'm tired of having my hopes dashed on this forum. I need something to hold on to, even if there isn't really any hope. It will help me ride this out. This place is called "Divorce Busting", not "Give Up And Get Over Them". This place is supposed to be focused on saving your marriage, no matter how far gone it is.
Wsh - Im sorry that youre feeling frustrated. Im a fixer by nature as well. As I was going through my separation and ultimately, divorce, I kept feeling like there was something I should do. That if I could just say the right things or do the right things in the right order that my ex would come back and choose to be together. I would read other success stories and thought "how in the heck did that work?" or "Im doing the same things! Why arent I seeing any results?"
The truth is, in the end, we can only control our side of the relationship. We keep hope alive and do the best that we can to save the marriage. We are all here because we believe so strongly in marriage. We are either fighting like hell to keep the relationships or trying to help others do the same.
Unfortunately, through experience and reading lots of stories, its clear that chasing after our spouses doesnt work. Sitting around and pining for them only hurts us. It only causes us mental and emotional pain or it leads us to do things that only hurt our marriages.
You know what got me through the hardest times? I went out and joined a club a week or two after BD. I met weekly with people that were previously complete strangers. These people knew me as "Kaizen" and not my ex's spouse. These were my friends that knew me. I spent 6 hours every week enjoying their company and spending 0 energy thinking about my ex, at least for that time. I would drive home from work every day and think about driving into traffic or driving off a bridge. I felt like if my ex didnt value me, then I must not have any value. This group helped me get back my self-worth. It helped give me the strength I needed to do what needed to be done to give my marriage the best chance I could.
My ex married the AP. Could I have done something differently after BD to change that outcome? Honestly, I have no idea. But, Im sure if I had spent those 6 months we were separated thinking only of my marriage and what my ex was doing, I would have done some very dark things.
"Divorce Busting" starts with you. The best chance you have to save your marriage is to become the man only a fool would leave. Will it save your marriage? Maybe! Hopefully! I wholeheartedly believe it's the best chance you have, Lucky for you, its also the path towards healing as well.
Instead of my wife telling me she is unhappy, she writes me an anniversary card, and a public Facebook status message saying that she's so happy she has me. I can't imagine that she did these things to make the bomb drop hurt more, but it makes me wonder. BD was like two weeks after anniversary.
M: 33, W: 30 @BD M 7, T 10 BD: Early Dec W left: Late Dec W got stuff: Late Jan W sent S papers: Mid Feb OM cnfrmd: Late Feb
Pain can yield tremendous growth OR everlasting sadness and bitterness.
I have minimal expectations i will reconcile with my wife. Instead of dwelling on that and making myself miserable, im doing things to make me a happy person she would want to come back to (or would make someone else happy).
M:39 W:36 - D1:2 D2:6 11/19/16 BD1: ILYBNILWY, EA/PA Dec/Jan: MC, pursuing, not DBing 1/11/17 BD2: W wants 1 month break 2/1/17: Divorce Remedy. Start DBing 2/17/17 BD3: W - separation to start D process
Instead of my wife telling me she is unhappy, she writes me an anniversary card, and a public Facebook status message saying that she's so happy she has me. I can't imagine that she did these things to make the bomb drop hurt more, but it makes me wonder. BD was like two weeks after anniversary.
Exact same with mine. All the time she was in and sleeping with the OM. It is what it is, my friend. Don't try to analyze because it will only bring pain.
There are moments in this life when you are so confident in the rightness of your actions, that not even for a second do you consider the option that you might be wrong.
For me, it took me a while...and I struggled a lot. That's normal.
There are moments in this life when you are so confident in the rightness of your actions, that not even for a second do you consider the option that you might be wrong.
Instead of my wife telling me she is unhappy, she writes me an anniversary card, and a public Facebook status message saying that she's so happy she has me. I can't imagine that she did these things to make the bomb drop hurt more, but it makes me wonder. BD was like two weeks after anniversary.
The weekend before my BD my W and I had an amazing time that culminated with sex that Sunday night. We spent part of Saturday cleaning the carpet in the house together while laughing and joking. She discussed wanting to get new carpet before we hosted my family's Christmas party in 2017. Sunday she spoke to my sister about making plans to get together for New Years.
Point is: don't try to make sense of it. Their emotions were all over the place. There's no logic to it and you can spend every waking moment trying to find it but you won't.
