Sandi, I've been luring on these boards for years, gleaning as much I can. I've read everything you posted on Wayward Ws. How differently should I handle things with a Wayward H?
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support). Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active, and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down. Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come! Most important - POST!
Get out and Get a Life (GAL). DETACH.
Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
Well, thank you. I am happy to share some of my thoughts, however, it would help a lot if you can give some information about your MR.
With wayward wives, the bottom line is loss of respect for her H. Of course, there are other issues involved, but her H needs to get her respect before he can expect much success in having a good M. Her loving feelings are tied to her respect.
I am certainly no authority on men, so take this for what it's worth. I think his loving feelings are tied to these "A-Words" words........Appreciation, Admiration, Acceptance, and Attitude. When a W tries to change him, complain or fuss at him, has a bad attitude and shows disrespect......his loving feelings begin to fade. We women know the male ego is fragile. We puff them up before M, and then deflate them after the wedding vows. Men need to feel those these four things (at least), from the women who love them.
If a woman has a WH, she has the ability to draw him back to her. However, it won't come through nagging, pleading, clinging, crying, tantrums, and all those type of negative behaviors. She needs to be more like the woman she was (or better) when he fell in love with her the first time. Sure, life can change us from the way we use to be.....but we can do our best to work with what we have and either improve or reinvent.
Let's say her H has been a fairly nice guy, who has not treated her badly during the MR, but now he is wayward. If the H is in an affair, he needs to see his W moving forward and to realize he could lose her forever. Although common sense tells us he should already "know it", waywards seem to lose their common sense....and have to see the action of their spouse. He needs to see positive changes in her and the atmosphere in his home. He needs to feel "free" of her grip. I'm not talking about his responsibilities, but her emotional rope tightening around him. She has to let go of trying to control him.
I could go on & on with this, but I think it would save time if you'll tell us what is going on with your H. Give us a view of the dynamics in your relationship with your H. Please tell us if he is an addict, has a bad temper, depressed, or abusive in any way. Just as wayward wives can display all kinds of terrible treatment.....so can the WH.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
We've been together since 2003, married in 2004. Throughout our marriage, our faith bonded us. My husband is an entertainer and local celebrity, I worked and traveled with him for many years. Back in 2012 he was on a nationally televised talent show and that was when things started falling apart. I had our first child in 2010 which dramatically changed the dynamics of our marriage because I could no longer travel with him. Things gradually started to change for him, new single friends, drinking, partying, no church. I was home with our son, working. We separated the first time after the show, I came here and studied up on DBing. Although my issues with my H had merit, my approach was all wrong--I was controlling, angry, hormonal (possibly post-partum), you name it. While my husband was out partying, he began to remove his wedding ring and pick-up on girls. I flipped out. I had my last straw and asked him to move out, which gave him a cause for his misbehavior. He had a 5 month A, that didn't work out because bad habits die hard and he was unfaithful to her too. We reconciled after about a year of separation.
Trying to keep the road home smooth, we didn't go to counseling nor did we come to terms about how things would be different. According to H, he would rather spend our time together, instead of talking about how we're not together or our issues. I GAL, went to school and started a new career, became more active in my community, I didn't complain about his work schedule, I didn't ask him to stop partying, initially I didn't complain about money. After 3 months in, I saw him flirting with a girl on social media...that was the first red flag. Months after that, I noticed that he was looking up the OW on social media. A few months after that, more bad behavior flirting with a woman while at a bachelor party, also found on social media. I think you get the picture. We would have disagreements about it, he acknowledged his actions were wrong, but he also defended them saying that I need to understand that there's nothing wrong with "going out" and that all of his friends are in the nightlife industry and that's the only way he can see them, he doesn't have a normal schedule and that I would be happier with someone like that, he needs to be with someone that understands him. Mind you, I've never complained about his schedule. What I have asked for is communication--he would go out to dinner with the boys and it would become a 4am night, with him having to sober up at a friends house, but no phone call. I'm glad he's responsible enough not to drive home drunk, but I don't understand why he can't simply call or text me to say he is out late. This wasn't a one or two time incident, this became his norm, and something I had to "accept" and "understand" about his work and life. Suddenly, this communication became a chore. He would be gone on the road, and I would want to hear about his day or simply have him ask about me and the kids but he didn't.
Leading up to the latest separation, my husband and I had disagreements about money. During the last separation he acquired quite a bit of debt. This debt grew because he wasn't keeping up with his taxes and simply living outside of his means. After we reconciled, I had to zip my lips to avoid conflict, but when the debt grew from continued decisions he made without my consent, I had to step in. He asked me to sell some rentals I received as an early inheritance, because we had a negative cash flow. He claimed that it would help alleviate the pressure to work and that he would be home more. I went along with it but no less than 2 weeks later, he traded in his exotic car for a more expensive car. I was done. Throughout the reconciliation, I would express my concerns and then "dropped the rope" to save our relationship, but I became a doormat.
He slept in the guestroom, which offered us space and room to breathe. I began to DB, reading everything on waywards. The rebellious dynamic rang true with my sitch. I needed to earn back my respect. H would constantly stay out all night, waking up the whole house at 4 or 6am, yet claim he was working on the R. I asked him to kindly leave--reminding him that a family lives here and we have school and work. I really didn't want him bringing his bad behavior around the kids. I never, ever asked him to help with the kids because he was tired from traveling or the night before (things he complained about from the first separation). He came and went as he pleased, like a teenager, with no responsibilities.
He moved out about a month ago, and I've been happily DB-ing. We talked about legalizing things simply to protect the time we spend with our kids and finances, not as punishment.
So, here are my goals. These are signs that H is interested in working on M.
1) H will communicate his work schedule so we can coordinate visitation.
done
2) H will seek counseling to address his behaviors.
done
3) H will initiate conversation about R.
done
4) H will wear wedding ring again (which he conveniently lost several months ago). H bought a new ring to show he is committed to R, but he does not wear it.
But, now I'm confused. We spoke on the phone today, H kept going on and on about how I don't understand him--his work, his lifestyle, his friends. I said that I could see why he would feel that way, and that I try my best to understand his sitch. I've been doing a good job with DBing apparently because he feels like I'm shutting him out. I simply explained that I felt like I didn't have any options because he would say he was committed but his actions showed otherwise. I don't know if it was a temp check, but I can see he is not ready. He again blames me for his bad behavior because I asked him to leave. In many ways I feel like he is doing everything to destroy our M without physically filing, because he is too chicken to do anything. I can also see that he knows what needs to be done to make things right, but he's just too stubborn to do it. In the end, he says he just wants to be happy. If happiness means having his own place and doing as he pleases, when he pleases, working as much as he likes, I won't stand in the way. But he can't be mad if I'm going to move forward and gradually move toward living separate lives if he won't meet me halfway on somethings. He doesn't want me to beg or ask for his time and attention, but he doesn't like that it's so easy to move on.
Well ummm, yeah he sounds like a wayward. You're being setup to be Plan B. He doesn't want you to go, but he doesn't want you stirring up any trouble in his new fantasy world.
There are moments in this life when you are so confident in the rightness of your actions, that not even for a second do you consider the option that you might be wrong.
Well ummm, yeah he sounds like a wayward. You're being setup to be Plan B. He doesn't want you to go, but he doesn't want you stirring up any trouble in his new fantasy world.
Obviously. I don't know how to reclaim my place as Plan A, and keep it that way.
