Dealing with Devastation

[WshIKnw]

Warning: This post is more about my situation than yours, but I thought you might be able to relate to my situation, and feel something positive from reading about it. I have also peppered some advice in here for you.

Your story has a lot of similarities to mine. I also suffer from anxiety and depression. I suffered depression until I met my wife 10 years ago. Then my depression turned into anxiety (which was mostly mild until I had to travel out of town). When she left, my anxiety turned into depression again. Mornings are also hardest for me. You said you are scrawny. So am I. I suspect my depression is hardest in the mornings because of low blood sugar, which I suspect is caused by not eating enough, coupled with the fact that one doesn't eat during the night while they are sleeping, and coupled with the fact that I have very little fat on my body to act as a sugar reserve. I have found the greatest cure for my depression/anxiety is eating enough and exercising. Also, controlling my thoughts are important. There is a direct correlation to what I'm thinking and how I feel. Also, observe how you feel after doing certain things. If you feel sad after listening to certain music, you probably shouldn't listen to that music. If you feel sad when you see a picture of your wife, you should probably avoid pictures of your wife. If you feel happy when you get out of the house, you should probably get out of the house more.

I lift weights. I am unsure about cardio because of its ability to burn precious calories, but I think it is good for me to do from time to time. I suspect that it is probably good to do cardio, because it will likely make you hungrier, making up for caloric loss to exercise.

I am also agoraphobic, like you. Travelling, which I almost always did only with my wife, would often make me very nervous, especially in the earlier part of the day. On occasion, I would have out-right panic attacks, and would need to get out of the car and walk around (eating would have likely been the #1 thing I needed). I believe that my anxiety was the main reason she left. I think she saw me as her ball and chain. I desired to go out a lot less than she did. It's a shame, because my weight was higher than it had been in years, and my anxiety was the best it had been in years, during the last several months of our being together. We actually had an anniversary trip right before she dropped the bomb, in which my anxiety was almost non-existent, where we went to the capital city of our state, which makes me a lot more nervous than a small town. Yet, she still found a small thing to complain about how I performed on that trip, even though it was the best I had ever done with her. But by that point, she was just looking for reasons to be dissatisfied with me, likely because she had fallen for the OM co-worker, who I warned her about becoming too close to. I always warned her about her attempts at having male friends. She doesn't seem to understand how attraction can form through acquaintance.

I also use my Netflix account to spy on her, as well as Steam and Facebook Messenger. Despite the fact that she appears to be seeing another guy, and actually left me for him, and at the very least had an emotional affair with him while she was still with me, I still have not changed the Netflix password on her, nor taken away her Sirius in her car, that I gift to her a year's worth every Christmas. I'm trying not to let her know that I'm mad, that I know things that she may not know that I know. I don't want them to hide their activity any more than they do.

People are giving you good relationship advice. I'm still trying to figure out all of that, myself, but what they are saying is on par with the philosophy of Divorce Busting. So, I don't really have anything to add about that.