2017 - New year - same MLC but I'm moving along

[job]

Irish,

You have handled your situation w/dignity and strength. I do think that something is going on in your w's world and she's waking up just a wee bit. Hopefully, the improvements will continue and finally she will face her demons and realize that she has to fix herself.

I'm very glad to read that your daughter is okay and the doctors aren't too terribly concerned w/the issue. Stress and anxiety can play a huge role in our lives when it comes to our health.

[peacetoday]

Irish

Glad to hear the good news about your D

Your XW is giving confusing messages

maybe when the time is right after another confusing /mixed message
I still sense she is fishing to see if a relationship with you is possible
but she is not really ready..she just wants to know in case and the more you move on the more time will be running out for her..I dont know just what I sense
she may want to pull you in and away for new friend-

Could you tell her that you are unclear and would like to understand what she is saying and how she pictures the "moving forward" or just whatever words not to pressure just to allow her to explain what she means
then just listen
no comment needed except ok now I hear what your saying

[roist]

I am glad your daughter is Ok.
Anyway that was an interesting exchange. You did great with your replies. Nice truth darts.

I get the impression she words stuff so that she says/insinuates stuff without having to say it. Maybe she wants you to ask the right question so that she can say more. I agree with the others who have said not to take that bait. Let her make the effort to decide what she wants to say without you asking. Also don't be drawn to talk about your gf.

I confirm my suspicion that she is falling apart but in a good way. She has help and is trying to sort herself out. I suspect that if she hasn't already she is about to realize that her void is not only due to the girls. She has realised her quick fixes fixed nothing. I suspect that includes bf, as she wondered if having her own apartment would help with girls.

It may not come but if the falling apart and rebuild process lead her to the realisation that she was wrong on all accounts including leaving you and wants to make that back up, have you put any thought into your reaction ? Are you open to considering a new beginning? She is a long way off this being feasible as there still is a lot of "poor little me" coming across in her messages

Best wishes

[HaWho]

Irish - glad your daughter is well!

Thank you for taking the time to post your wife's texts. It helps everyone to see a glimpse of their confusion and to better understand how muddled their thinking is.

I find it interesting that her boyfriend is so disposable that she'd get her own apartment. Classic.

I know we're not supposed to mind read. But, her learning that you are talking to another woman must make her wonder if your daughters have met this woman and if they are bonding with her. Many of my friends, who wanted to divorce, say that even years after the divorce, it was difficult to see a stepmother figure come onto he stage. And, these are women who had secure relationships with their kids.

You do a great job of not being drawn into her drama. Sometimes I wonder if you shouldn't try saying "give me a call if you want to discuss this. It's difficult to do this via text." Like my h, I think she hides behind the screen and has all sorts of deep conversations via text.

But maybe, this would shut her down from communicating as she feels safe texting.

Thinking of you and your girls.

[BrightFuture]

Irish, I'm so happy to read the good news about your D! I hope it will be getting better for her in terms of dealing with anxiety and stress.

I agree with others, there is definitely something going on with your xw. She is all over the place... contradicting herself... I think she might be coming to a realization that blaming you for her problems and feeling like a victim is not going to get her anywhere. She has to grow up and take the responsibility for her, her actions, her happiness, etc. ... And... she has to find the way to repair her relationship with the girls.

Irish, I can't imagine receiving the texts and e-mails like that from your MLCer on a regular basis. You are handling it pretty well!

[Irish M]

Hi KMl, yes a mess. I keep my path and I won't stray from it. I fell for a lot of her games in the last 18 months. I hoe I learned something lol. Also great guidance here.

Hi Mleigh, you do give me support now and then, we h=all have our own sitchs happening and you all give me way much more than I give. As for me D, I am so relieved. I slept so much better. Her as well.

Hi bttrfly, merci, merci et merci, yes my mind has a lot less clutter now. I crashed so hard Wednesday night when I woke up I was sure I missed a week.

Funny the auto-correct spells our eew. lol thanks for the laugh.

Whe we read about other sitchs, We all think we couldn't handle things like they do. I would never have imagine having the strength I have now even 3 months ago. We just hit a limit and mine was Jan 1 2017.

your response and the last line about her waiting for you to be ready to move forward????? WTH???? what alternate reality is she living in?

Alternative reality... that is the question. I'm unsure of the answer.

I do think that something is going on in your w's world and she's waking up just a wee bit. Hopefully, the improvements will continue and finally she will face her demons and realize that she has to fix herself.

Hi Job, thanks for your best wishes about my D14. I am talking to different specialist now about getting her the right therapist. She's not too happy about it but at the same time welcomes it. She and D16 have a fear that they will have a crisis when they get older. They know XW family history and have witnessed so much. I will continue to keep them loved and supported.

XW is for sure struggling. I can sense her pain and confusion in her texts. Still nothing I can do.

Could you tell her that you are unclear and would like to understand what she is saying and how she pictures the "moving forward" or just whatever words not to pressure just to allow her to explain what she meansthen just listenno comment needed except ok now I hear what your saying

Hi Peace, that is exactly what happened today with our exchange. I'll explain more below in my update.

If she is fishing, I won't bite. I like steak, potatoes and Guinness these days... not MLC worms.

I am glad your daughter is Ok.
Anyway that was an interesting exchange. You did great with your replies. Nice truth darts.

Hi Roist, thanks for your thoughts on my D14. Yes a few darts doesn't hurt. As long they are bulls-eyes

I get the impression she words stuff so that she says/insinuates stuff without having to say it.

Yes she is beating around the bush. Not sure if she has the courage to say it yet. But each time she contacts me, very 2-3 months she does come out a little further.

I confirm my suspicion that she is falling apart but in a good way. She has help and is trying to sort herself out. I suspect that if she hasn't already she is about to realize that her void is not only due to the girls. She has realized her quick fixes fixed nothing. I suspect that includes bf, as she wondered if having her own apartment would help with girls.

Yes she has already said she misses our talks. That leaving me , she left a big part of her behind.

It may not come but if the falling apart and rebuild process lead her to the realization that she was wrong on all accounts including leaving you and wants to make that back up, have you put any thought into your reaction ? Are you open to considering a new beginning? She is a long way off this being feasible as there still is a lot of "poor little me" coming across in her messages

Do I consider a new beginning with her. Hard to say. I'll help her with the girls only if she does all the heavy lifting. A friendship with her is out of the question if OM is still in her life. I do see old Wife in her messages only more mature. Her communicating is a big one. That maturity she did not have before. If she can connect with the girls and truly be a good person, without the entitlement, without the OM, not being a victim and rebellious teen, I do see myself having a co parenting relationship with her. New couple relationship, no. Only because I don't think she can do the work a couple needs to do to reconcile. I might be wrong. Who knows. We are a long way away from that.

Thank you for taking the time to post your wife's texts. It helps everyone to see a glimpse of their confusion and to better understand how muddled their thinking is.

Hi Hawho, thanks you for you best wishes :-)
It is my pleasure. I am still in a very much need of this group. If I can help others disconnect and stay strong for their kids , all this is not for nothing. It's a sad thing MLC.

I know we're not supposed to mind read. But, her learning that you are talking to another woman must make her wonder if your daughters have met this woman and if they are bonding with her. Many of my friends, who wanted to divorce, say that even years after the divorce, it was difficult to see a stepmother figure come onto he stage. And, these are women who had secure relationships with their kids.

Yes I have many that co-parent and its tough. Thinking of their kids bonding to that cool stepdad or fun stepmom. Some say it's a living nightmare having their new partners kids over and ZERO respect is shown.

Sometimes I wonder if you shouldn't try saying "give me a call if you want to discuss this. It's difficult to do this via text."

My update I took your advice. see below.

I agree with others, there is definitely something going on with your xw. She is all over the place... contradicting herself... I think she might be coming to a realization that blaming you for her problems and feeling like a victim is not going to get her anywhere. She has to grow up and take the responsibility for her, her actions, her happiness, etc. ... And... she has to find the way to repair her relationship with the girls.

Hi Bright, thank you also for the well wishes.

Yes XW is spinning. I repeat myself often to her with truth arrows. For her to stop blaming me or the girls. I think it finally sunk in. Yes her own plan will have to be played out. I won;t coach her or give her clues to what to do.



UPDATE

well, Thursday was a quite day for me. I blocked her emails again just to give me a day off. After the stressful day of Wednesday I needed that break.

Friday morning I turn it back on and a message appears. You can message me anytime. I like us talking.


Later that morning

Hows D14? I wish I could hug her. You get to hug her everyday. Tell her you love her. Why won't they add me on facebook?

She's fine. A huge weight off her shoulders. As for Facebook. You know why they won't add you.

No, I don't. At least I'd see what they are up to.

Well, they were and are very hurt and don't care to see your life with OM. I'm sure you understand. Have a good day.

You too. I kiss their pictures every day. This is really a mess. We made mistakes.

I know my part in this. Yes we both own parts of it. I didn't run though.

I'm so glad you you said that. It was nice to read. That you accept your part in all this. I accept my part too. It's a real mess. Its really not easy for me.

The girls are true Irish. They are hard headed lol. Don't take that bad :-)

It's OK. I am proud of the girls being somewhat stubborn. They also have huge hearts and strong characters. They know right from wrong.

I'm finding it very hard, I go to the gym more often to burn off the feelings I have. Helps me to think of other things. lol

I wish that one day they will reach out to me. I miss them. I missed talking to you!!

I can't talk now. I have to go. I'll update you if anything about the girls. Maybe we can call instead of emails.

Yes!! I think it would be better to talk. I will leave that up to you. I won't be busy this weekend. Just spring cleaning. My cat plays in the bath and with its wet paws it carries the litter around the place. I have white paws EVERYWHERE!!!!
My cat is not doing well. I'm not lucky with animals.

sorry to hear that. have a good weekend.

cool, you too

so that is that. friendly and a lot of chatter from her. no mention of OM, no blame. A few darts.

I will be on vacation all next week. So much planned. The snow has melted so no cross country skiing. Monday I get my new drone. A MAVIC pro. I've put a few GoPro videos on the net already and this Drone will just add better shots for future movies.

Sugar shack, museums, day trip to Quebec city, painting their rooms. This should all make for some great memories.

Hope you all have a great weekend.

Irish

[peacetoday]

Irish

You handle her very well and real detached
honest, to the point, yet kind--perfect

I believe she is not going to let go and the dimmer you become, the more forceful she will
be

I like the way you ended the conversation-

curious to know what she is really thinking as she prefers to the mess she is in.several times-time will definitely tell

[mleigh4]

You are great with your responses. So simple and to the point. I am learning from you, thanks for sharing Irish.

M

[bttrfly]

hope you are enjoying your vacation mon ami.
i keep missing the eagles, but they are still around per the bird reports.

xoxoxo

[Irish M]

Hope everyone is good :-)

So no letters from XW to the girls yet. Messaging to me has stopped.
I think she was starting to look at herself these last 2 weeks and now she might have reverted back to avoid . Good on her . Hopefully she will continue to think everything through.

I deleted all of her emails and texts. I found myself rereading them. Not a good thing to do.

What I did see was:

She made No real apology.
She has No idea the damage she has done . Continued to Downplay it.
Very teen like messaging. A lot of !!! and cools.

So I'll continue my path and hopefully she will catch up for the girls sake.