WAS or what 9

[roist]

I know I come across as being wise and together, because most of the time I think that I am. At work, with friends, doing sport I am good. But at home I am less good. The non communication and poor interactions just hit me once I walk in the door. I am less affected than before but I dislike it more, if that makes sense.

Each day I take a little time alone to advance something I am working on, personal development or other. This reduces my working day slightly but I feel better advancing on my actions. Then whilst working I listen to podcasts about R/M, communication, gratitude, parenting, and many more such topics. To mix it up I also listen to non PD stuff which is just interesting. At the end of the day I tend to listen to music I like, which is great and gives my brain some low effort listening.

I hear great ideas/ concepts and philosophies that I want to live by. Slowly these are becoming engrained in my thoughts and are being adopted as my way of thinking.

But once home, I don't have the same energy and don't live in harmony with my thinking. For a while now I have been contemplating putting into action a way of being when with W that I improve am my interactions with W and show more love, attention and empathy. Partly to experiment if it changes anything between us but mostly to be who I want to be.

I feel that I am blocking myself doing this and otheractiobs and I am figuring out why. Maybe after years of this, I am tired of it. Not enough to give up but enough to be less motivated to try. But if neither of us try, nothing will change, so I want to change. I am not expecting a change in W but I cannot go forward with assuming that either. In theory she/it can change.IOtherwise I will create a self fulfilling prophesy.

So I am reflecting on how I can overcome my barriers at home. I am no longer down due to our situation/interactions but I want to be more UP regardless of it. Maybe along the way I will need to tell W I won't live this way forever, as sometimes that is very close to coming out. Maybe part of my reasoning is to put in place my plan for X months and stick to it regardless and then see where I am at. But despite how much I don't want to continue this way I want even less to leave. So my only choice is to change
first me and then us.

I say this now for two reasons, firstly for the last two months I have been hymming and hawing about doing it, so now I have some accountability to move forward. Secondly to give ye a truer picture of my mindset.

Going forward with this does not mean my other objectives will be sidelined.OOn the contrary I am sure I will need other focuses to stay steady. I have signed up for some sporting events so that makes it easier to stick to doing sport a few times each week. Maybe one day I will take the time to outline fully a wider view of my action plan. But I am ticking away at many, things and W is not my only focus.

OK I got to go earn a few pennies to pay the bills.

I am truly grateful to have found this place. At the moment I probably give back more than I need to take, but I know if things get hairy in my situation ye will have my back.

One final note. Earlier this year I prepared a dozen or so thank you cards to express my gratitude to various people in my life. I hesitated over three of them: W and her parents. Finally i decided it was stupid not to include W as she was the person I was most grateful for in my life. In fact i gave her her card first. She liked it. Earlier on in our situation I did a more detailed one for her. I just could not give it to her parents without first telling W. I didn't need her approval but not telling W first is poor communication that I am trying to eliminate. On the other hand I did not want to explain to W why I prepared these cards. I almost didn't give them to her parents. This is just an example of me placing barriers in my way. I realised this. I informed W I would be putting a thank you card in their letterbox. I said I was doing it for me but as it was her parents and a lot of what they did was for us and nit just me, I offered to include her name when signing. She said yes. This exchange was done by text (because I am turning into hawho's H!!!! Haha). Cards were delivered this week and neither of us have mentioned it since. I am happy with completing this project and have more cards ready whenever I have reason/desire to thank someone.

Speaking of completing stuff, I recently finished redoing the in built cupboard in our bedroom. Yeah. Another thing off my list. My W reorganised her clothes and placed all her sexy underwear in a case for storage! Whereas it does reflect where we are at and is better than her wearing it to go out, it did reinforce just how far away from any possible turnaround we are. But at this stage if she initiated sex, she could wear Bridget jone's underwear and that would be sexy!! Haha.

Wow. Guess I needed to chat today!! Thanks for reading.

Best wishes