WAS vs MLC..not sure it really makes a difference

[25yearsmlc]

25yearsmlc.......I appreciate you taking the time to give me your thoughts on my sitch.

You're truly welcome.

I do agree with a lot of what you have said. The most important thing is that he is finding out that he needs to make some changes in his life and is doing that. That is a major thing for him to pursue, so I am proud of him. I also feel that we were both able to show our flaws to each other and we have not done that in a long time.

What I meant when I made the comment "was this all for him, or was it to help me" was did he tell me all of that to get things off his chest, or was it also to help me in my healing as well? I got the sense that it was both, but I just wasn't sure.


If it helps you heal, then so be it. Does it have to be his intention? I guess I don't understand that.

He said that during the forum he listened to people tell their "story" and he could relate to a lot of what was being said. He said it made him think about how he treated me during our marriage and after the BD. He wanted to call me on a break but didn't want to limit the time for our conversation, because he felt like it was the most important call that needed to be made, and that is why he waited to call me until the 3 days were over.

But to be clear, you did call him and you did ask him why he had not called you, correct? Perhaps next time you can let him initiate b/c the way it reads to me, is that he could have felt immediately defensive if the first thing out of your mouth was a "why didn't you" type of remark.

Btw, A wonderful DB coach told me to avoid questions like "How could you...?" and "Why?" in general. They tend to elicit defensive reactions.

He said on a few different occasions that I was right about things I have said in the past. I told him I didn't want to be right, I just wanted things better between us. But he made sure to tell me "you were right."

He called me initially to talk and I told him I would call him back, but honestly I wasn't ready for the conversation. I texted him the next day but never got a response, so I called him. Looking back I probably should not have done that, but I was interested in what he had to say. In the conversation he did mention that me not calling him back that night was upsetting to him and he lost some momentum to call me again, and that was why he didn't call me back.

At the end of the conversation we both acknowledged that we still needed to talk about how things got to where they did in our M, and why the A happened.

Be careful what you wish for.

If he regrets it and knows you are very hurt, and promises not to do it again and whatever else the experts suggest, perhaps that can be enough. Perhaps the real work then is on your end, letting it go. Never holding it over his head like the sword of Damocles and not throwing it in his face when you two argue.

So be careful about digging into all the gritty details unless you are SURE you can handle them. I just don't see a lot of "good" answers. "She was prettier/nicer/younger/more adoring" or "I was mad at you", etc....how will you feel if any of those come up as the reason? Plus, please do not involve his parents. I may have confused your story but did you tell his parents? Just saying then the dynamic he has with them ends up being a factor in your marriage and not a good one.

Or the "I don't know why..."? Maybe it's not about what happened but where you go "From this day forward"...

We also said we needed to have a conversation about where we go from here. He did say he would call me, but as we have seen in the past he has not been the greatest with that.

then perhaps a long in depth conversation he's never had before with you, was quite enough for now. I would not expect him to call soon. He's processing a lot and I would not call him either, if I were you. Better to GAL and detach and back off, to see him when he's ready, than to push and push him away "but sooner".

Here is a quote I found somewhere that seems apropos.

You are trying to guess or forecast the outcome...because it's uncertain.
It's because it IS uncertain.

let it be uncertain.

Don't ask, you may confirm things for him. STFU.

Switch off, detach from the outcome.

Let it unfold

Another quote stolen elsewhere here.

We often are so eager to know the outcome now and eliminate ambiguity and uncertainty. Pushing for certainty will most often result in pushing WAS away and towards being certain they want out.



But I am going to be open and give him the chance to show me that he is making changes. I am also going to be patient, which will be hard. But, he deserves this time for himself.
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How about "I am going to use this gift of time to work on ME"?

You're in his sandbox and he's working in it right now. Perhaps you have a sandbox of your own that you could be working on.

If he wants to change then he will. The question is whether you will react in the same way without checking him first.

I know it's hard. The temperature taking and the guesswork, but it's SO UNHELPFUL.

please stay in your emotional sandbox and work on you.


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I would not be telling the truth if I said that my attempts at detaching or GAL was not to get him to come back home...because there is part of me that hopes that if I do he will.

But, the rationale side of my brain says that wont work, and obviously is not the purpose for DBing. This is something I struggle with daily.

I totally agree with you when you said I need to stick with the DB basics. I actually have started to reread the book again back. I am ready to get my "happy" back again.

That was a great example about Antarctica, and what would I do if he was unreachable.