WAS vs MLC..not sure it really makes a difference

[25yearsmlc]

Gordie.....thanks for the support

I never anticipated that the conversation would go that way. I am very pleasantly surprised by his honesty. For me that says a lot about him and what he is wanting to do in his life.

Agreed

But something I am struggling with after the conversation is.....is all of this to make him feel better or is this to help me?


Sounds as if he's working on his life, what makes him happy, what motivates his choices, etc.

Not sure it had anything to do with you or the marriage, directly. Obviously there are effects on you. To be clear, I think personal growth is always a great thing.

You said he claimed to want to talk to you
But in the end, You called him. So what he said and what he did - were not in alignment.

I guess You need to ask yourself If it's his words you need to hear, or his actions you need to see.


I was also proud of myself because I did validate him quite often....something I never was good at. I told him I was proud of him, and that I could see that he was making positive changes based on what he was saying and his overall tone.

I am REALLY trying not to have any expectations of him at all, but gosh it is hard not to. Don't want to set myself up for hurt

It's always a good idea to have zero expectations. I cannot stress this enough.

It's excellent that your interactions were different, and that's b/c you validated him. Maybe he was reacting to that, or maybe not.

I don't know how the conversation ended. I just got a sense from your coverage of it, that MAYBE he said enough (a lot for him) to feel a sense of closure? That might explain him needing "courage" to call in the first place.

From your posts, it sounds as if detachment isn't what you are seeking so much as reassurance that he will return to you.

I can only say that detachment does not prevent reconciliation. If anything, it helps. But regardless, it is key to both results - recon OR living well on your own. In the event your h ever reaches out to you, you can discuss something new, different and unemotional with him.

By detaching, you grow much more than you would if you were waiting around for him to return. Otherwise, It'd be like standing in place while life passes you by.

So it makes you happier to GAL and detach, no matter what HE does.
Paradoxically, detachment and becoming happy also happens to make you more likely to attract him back.

Not saying to GAL and Detach with the goal of a reconciliation, b/c true detachment is not result oriented. I am saying that regardless of how you feel, you need to follow through with the DB basics.


IF you imagine that your h was transferred to Antartica and was truly unreachable for the next year, imagine how you would spend the year. You would not hinder down waiting...


So, What are you doing that is new or different, than before? You can join something, volunteer somewhere, study something you always wanted to study, etc. I think you said you are planning a trip to Italy this fall?

That just sounds lovely.