This is going to be long, so brace yourselves.......
I had a pretty intense emotional conversation with a longtime friend yesterday about what has been going on in my life. She said she felt like H was being cruel to me by continuing to do what he is doing (ignoring me, not answering phone calls or text messages). We spoke further about expectations and moving forward. I of course cried for quite a while after that, but then I took some time to chill out and walk the dogs, then I decided to call my H. I did read the detachment post before I called, and also read what Skyhigh and others have mentioned I should when I did eventually speak to him. I also wrote down on a sticky note "stay calm, validate, don't raise your voice, dont swear"
I had a conversation with him that I have never had with him before. I asked him why he never called me back, especially when he said he really wanted to talk to me. His answer was the most honest answer he has ever given me in the last 11 years. He said because he was trying to find the courage to call me back. He also said that he has been lacking in responsibility when it comes to communicating with me.
I continued to listen to him, and as I did that he opened up like a book (I had to write things down because he was saying so much). He said after attending that forum he learned that his life or his reality has not been driven from his own thoughts. He said he learned that his reality has been determined by a story that was learned due to something that happened in his past, and he has continued to believe that story and has continued to live in that reality. He also said when we are able to separate what actually happened from the story we learn we find that our reality may not actually be that way. I had to think about that for a bit after hearing it. I can only assume that this is some lingo that was used in the forum, because H does not speak like that normally.
But, what he said to me was that he finally "gets it" and that he has seen the error of his ways. He mentioned several times that he has lacked courage to do the right thing.
He acknowledged that he had a lack of communication in our marriage, and that he was not able to discuss his emotions or feelings, and now knows that contributed to a lot of the issues we had.
He talked about being authentic and wanting to have integrity. He spoke about not just saying something but also following through with it.
He talked about not acknowledging me when I would speak to him, or how he would ignore me because he was on his cell phone or social media.
He realized that he had been living his life and making decisions on how others would respond, or what they would think about him after making his choices. THAT IS HUGE FOR HIM!!! A big issue for me was that he would make the decision to go and be with other people, only wear certain clothes or drive a certain vehicle so that he could tell people he worked out with "so and so", or he wore this label, or drove that kind of car.
He has said that he never really thought that his parents had control or manipulated his thoughts or decisions, but now he does question that. That is also HUGE for him to say. During our M, he liked to speak to his parents first before making certain decisions and that was a big issue for me. They would arrange to come over for a visit and not even ask us first if it was okay. I would ask him to speak to them about it and he was too scared to do that. He still has a parent-child relationship with them today and he is a 44 year old man.
But, the big thing is that he FINALLY apologized to me for the affair, how he treated me during certain times in our marriage and has treated me since.
Prior to calling him I told myself that I would not discuss our R, but of course you know I had to backslide I told him that I felt abandoned by him, and that I still love him and don't know how to turn that off because when I married him it was going to be forever, no matter what. D was not an option for me.
I acknowledged my faults in the marriage, my need to want to control him and almost every situation and that I could have been a better wife. But I did tell him that did not excuse him or give him the right to have an A (he agreed). I also apologized that he felt like he could not speak to me about how he was feeling in our M, and that is what ultimately lead him to have the A. He said that the A was a "symptom" of what was really going on. I told him that he didn't give me a chance to make things better between us.....he just left.
Divorce was never brought up or discussed, neither was the future of our relationship. He said he is continuing to do more classes through this forum for the next 10 weeks, and that he hopes he can continue to learn and grow from it. We both acknowledged that we never discussed what happened, and that we really need to do that.
One sad part of the discussion for me was that he said he doesn't really think about the A, doesn't really have shame or guilt like he used to, and that he doesn't really ever think about me. He still relates to me in a negative way when he speaks about me...which he says he rarely does. He said "out of sight, out of mind." OUCH.....that hurt.
He wanted to make sure that I knew he did not have a girlfriend, and that he is not spending time with anyone in that capacity. I asked him where he keeps his wedding ring and he said in his bathroom on the counter where he can see it.
So now I move forward and continue to try and detach and GAL.
I told him that I felt abandoned by him, and that I still love him and don't know how to turn that off because when I married him it was going to be forever, no matter what. D was not an option for me. 
