A stronger me for whatever the future holds

[KevinIn]

Yes, this is totally a common theme. I have struggled with this too. All of our situations are different, but I know in mine...this feeling controlled or trapped...I contributed to it, but it was more than just me. Here's how I've thought about it:

1. What is in the person's own mind/life that makes them feel trapped? Maybe unfulfilled dreams or ambitions (I want an education, I want a career). Maybe identity issues (I don't want to just be a W or mother or Mrs. Gordie). Maybe childhood issues (Jeep74--talking to you).

2. What did the spouse do to make them feel trapped? Did you not listen? Were you selfish--did you put your needs first? Did you control the money? Was sex an issue (pushing unwanted sex or withholding wanted sex)? Were you jealous or suspicious of their other relationships? Were you a snooper? Did you ignore your spouse because of work or a hobby or anything else--porn, video games, etc.?

3. What did society at large do to make them feel trapped? Are you trapped in gender roles? Does the W do all the cooking and cleaning and child care? Do you feel pressured by your community to dress or behave a certain way? Do you feel trapped by your religious upbringing or beliefs? Have you always been the good girl or the nice guy...and you are tired of behaving that way?

For my situation, its interesting that none of the above three categories really applies. We were pretty balanced in all of these.

For us, it was that she perceived me not giving her a voice, being critical of her, and having contempt that she wasn't good enough. The key word is perceived. I think this was the start of all the other things.

Yeah I was a bit of an a$$ but all areas where I've recognized, changed and being more open and flexible now. Many outsiders, including my IC, however have cautioned me that some of my expectations were not all that "unrealistic" so that has been a challenge for me as I try and see how the M can be going forward.

This same thing applies to me. Its hard to comprehend how i was being controlling when some of the things are actually good for a family. She actually said one time that i was too involved and too intense as a dad. So, i'm being punished for being a too involved dad who was passionate about his family. That's a tough one for me to justify.

I like the conversation. Good points from all involved!!

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