A stronger me for whatever the future holds

[PacLove]

PacLove. Your breakdown of the two approaches is very enlightening. I'm happy (or maybe relieved) to read the two lists and find my wife clearly in the 2nd camp.

I'm no expert - but just tidbits I've gathered through online reading, forums and books. And I don't think there is ever a guarantee. Something I also think we as men need to decide - do we want to try and save the marriage and remain hopeful - at the cost of some potential self-esteem and ability to move on or do we want to be completely ambivalent and whatever happens happens. I think in the former you definitely want to be more in the friends arena whereas the later you may want to be more in the tough love camp.

Gordie - liked your analysis of controlling - I know for me it was not hard to recognize that I was this way but it always felt like we were in an endless tug-of-war with each other and I thought she was controlling as well, what I didn't realise is that she was usually the one to give in.

As for areas where I've been controlling/critical:
- Often supported my parents ideas/expectations
- Pushed intimacy
- Often tried to get involved in her plans offering unsolicited suggestions/ideas
- Was more of a free spender and she wasn't able to say no
- Wanted to celebrate holidays my way instead of "our" way
- Called her out where I felt she fell short on household responsibilities
- Really didn't support her in her career - instead being critical that she worked too much
- Questioned her parenting style

Yeah I was a bit of an a$$ but all areas where I've recognized, changed and being more open and flexible now. Many outsiders, including my IC, however have cautioned me that some of my expectations were not all that "unrealistic" so that has been a challenge for me as I try and see how the M can be going forward.

A good example of this is when it comes to raising our daughter and basic household responsibilities (cooking, laundry, repairs & maintenance, finances, cars) I pretty much do most. W would need to be open to meeting me halfway on some amount of change...