A stronger me for whatever the future holds

[Chris73]

PacLove. Your breakdown of the two approaches is very enlightening. I'm happy (or maybe relieved) to read the two lists and find my wife clearly in the 2nd camp.

I also want to thank Gordie for examining the idea of being controlling. If you had asked me 9 months ago whether I thought I was being overly controlling I would have scoffed and said, "Are you kidding? My W can do whatever she wants!" But these days I can see things from a different point of view.

How was I controlling?

1. I always picked what we would do and where we would go for dates and getaways. This wouldn't have been a problem if I had taken some time to plan things that I knew she would like (even if I didn't). But I never did that.

2. I could only guarantee a pleasant disposition in social gatherings if they were with my family or my long time friends. Otherwise, my behavior was a crapshoot.

3. Being a musician and a music snob, I ALWAYS picked the music we would listen to at home or in the car. And I would ALWAYS get tickets to see bands that I approved of. What's worse I would ALWAYS be disparaging when it came to the music she liked but I didn't.

4. I controlled the sexual atmosphere in our relationship. My W prefers an aggressive man. And there were plenty of times when she would turn me down and I would opt for porn instead of trying harder.

5. I was adamant about the house we purchased 8 years ago and the mini-van we bought 2 years ago. Last year she told me that she really didn't agree on either of those decisions, but went along with it.

This last one clearly shows that I can't bear ALL of the blame here. There were plenty of times when my W decided it would be best not to speak up. If she had, I might not be writing this right now.

But guess what? My W's first husband was 100x more controlling. She brought that baggage into our marriage and we never really worked through it. If you combine her unresolved issues from her first marriage with the behaviors I listed above we were definitely sitting on a ticking time bomb.

I'm getting a bit off topic here, but it's really a good exercise for me and anyone else who might be in a position to re-think how they might have controlled their relationship.