Total breakdown yesterday. Riding home on the train, playing a video game on my phone with John Mayer's "Paradise Valley" in the background. Despite being an older release, it was my first time through the album. I caught the last few words of "Waitin' on a Day"...
"Waitin' on the day When these words are in stone When the kids are all grown And we go dancing"
(I know, I know, I'm a glutton for punishment...)
I skipped back to the beginning and listened to the whole song without distraction. Then I lost it.
I lost it on the train, on the walk to the parking lot, and then finally let it out in the solitude of my car.
This song is me. Right now. In every way possible.
The worst part is that every fiber of my being wants to send this song to my W, or play it for her, or sing it to her. But I won't. I know it's pursuing.
Then something happened. I asked for mercy. I don't know who I was asking... God? The universe? Myself? Hard to say. All I know is that I got home, hung out with my kids, ate dinner and I was overcome by a feeling of hopefulness. My W called from FL to talk to the kids and we exchanged a few friendly words. But the hopefulness wasn't because of that. And I'm not even sure if the hopefulness had anything to do with thoughts of reconciliation.
All I know is that I asked for mercy, and I got it. It didn't last long but it didn't need to. I just needed to get through the night.
And I can always ask again right?
M46 W48 M11 T14 S11 D8 BD: 2016/05/27 In-home separation: 2016/11/23 Nesting: 2017/06/11 W moves out: 2018/01/07 W goes public with OM: 2018/07/12 I ask for a divorce: 2018/12/14
