So yesterday I read the book that I had recommended my W to read. It's more a handbook and a quick read on how to help your spouse heal. I almost wanted to cry because it perfectly described how I feel and what I need in a R. It really couldn't have been any more perfect.
Unfaithful spouse had options: directly expressing displeasure, dragging to counseling if necessary, a strongly worded letter, a controlled separation. They made the choice and blaming the faithful partner is not an option. That the unfaithful spouse needs to address the hurt spouse's pain immediately, ahead of any issues they felt the MR had. Those are to be dealt with after. That often the marriage was not as bad as the unfaithful spouse portrayed it. They were looking through distorted lenses (I've used that exact term and even said it last Thursday to my W).
Leaving a job to provide your partner emotional security. Accepting some possessions are bad reminders and need to be thrown out. Accepting there will be triggers and to learn to anticipate them and help your spouse through them. Apologize relentlessly-- might take years, not weeks. Be completely honest, that complete healing usually starts 2 years after the last lie was told. Family members will need an apology as well. Selling a car might be necessary, a sign they are committed to a R.
It also talked about associating with those who are not friends of the marriage. People of poor values and influence. Who put a stamp of approval on the affair. That just like a drug user needs to sever ties with their drug using friends, these relationships need to end too in order to recover. This perfectly describes the best friend my W made at work. Before the A I could see she was being a bad influence. Knowing she approved the A, encouraged it, made jokes about it is sick. I've often used that exact term (but not to my W) to describe what she isn't: a friend of the marriage.
Reading this also made me sad. Because I really don't think my W will be capable of any of it. She still harbors anger and defensiveness toward me. She's always been defensive. She never really had a roll up the sleeves and work on the MR attitude ever. She auto-pilots. The most motivated she's ever been was in her efforts to have an A. I can never imagine her saying "I'm committed to this and ready to do whatever it takes. Here's what I want to do". It just isn't in her and that's the attitude she'd have to have.
She probably hasn't even bought the book. Maybe wrote it down for later. She's completely focused on herself. She should be working on her issues but should also see there is damage and pain on my part to address, as the book details. Each passing day where she thinks only of herself is hurtful.
She should be working on her issues but should also see there is damage and pain on my part to address, as the book details. Each passing day where she thinks only of herself is hurtful.
The problem is that you seem to think that she is trying to reconcile with you. So far, nothing I have seen is suggesting that. She may be sad, guilty, heck, maybe even remorseful. But I havent seen her come out and say she wants to get back together to work on your relationship.
So, I dont understand why you are reading books about piecing. Of course you are going to get sad. How about instead, you go out and do some kind of GAL. Go make a new friend. Go try a new activity. Even if she shows up and you both heal, what will be different about you this time in order to 'make it work'?
You have to work on cleaning up your side of the street. Stop worrying about the trash on her side for now.
She probably hasn't even bought the book. Maybe wrote it down for later. She's completely focused on herself. She should be working on her issues but should also see there is damage and pain on my part to address, as the book details. Each passing day where she thinks only of herself is hurtful.
Of course she is focused on herself. I'm going to agree with Kaizen, my friend. I'm seeing you talk an awful lot about what her actions/inactions are, but none of yours and how you are helping YOURSELF. Sure, you are reading books, but not the ones you should be reading. Get some self-help books...not relationship ones.
There are moments in this life when you are so confident in the rightness of your actions, that not even for a second do you consider the option that you might be wrong.
No, she hasn't said it outright. Just her saying she didn't want to schedule mediation or move the D along at all, that she came over and was content to just hang around me for so long, said she had issues to work on "first", said she wanted to come by more often, asked me if there was something she should read.
I only read this book to see what it was all about since I'd recommended it to her. I've been reading self-help books for myself throughout and doing GAL. Focusing on my changes to improve myself regardless. I'd just like to see something from her and feel like it wasn't this big struggle to commit to the MR.
A lot of what I'm reading centers around communicating better because that is a big issue for me. To listen better to what is being said instead of already thinking of what I will say in response. To speak more constructively so it expresses a point without coming off as negative. Using XYZ statements.. instead of something like "You never pay any attention to me" instead "When you don't set aside time in the evening for me, I feel neglected". It's stuff I'm trying to use all around but I have used it when I've spoken to my W recently and I think it helped keep the conversations focused and calm.
So that, communicating better. Exercising 4-5 times per week. Getting outside the house on the weekends to do something fun for myself. I also want to learn a new hobby of some sort but haven't decided on what yet.
Very sorry for what you've gone through here, it's heartbreaking. You've done some things very well and handled the initial situation as well as can be expected. More recently however you're falling into a very familiar pattern that leads to a long period of pain and limbo.
Being in this situation is like dying of thirst floating on a raft in a poison lake. Everyone will tell you not to drink the water, and why you shouldn't drink the water, and what will happen to you if you drink the water. You can intellectually understand what they're saying, you "get it", you can convince yourself that you're not going to drink the water, but each night when you go to sleep and each morning when you wake up, you're thirsty as hell and the water is right there, so it's extremely easy to convince yourself that a little sip can't hurt. Despite the fact that you know you should not drink the water, you will just keep doing it because you keep convincing yourself its okay to do so because you're just dying of thirst.
So how do we bring that to your scenario? There is really only one prescription and that is to take the focus off of W entirely and focus only on you, your life, and what you want from it. Your learnings about what you need to improve about yourself are an asset you take with you, but everything else about W, what W is doing, what W is thinking, etc. needs to be entirely put aside.
You are not safe for her to approach until she feels you've let her go. That's a simple truth, but incredibly hard to accept.
Reaching out to W, making overtures, contacting W's family, talking to OM's W, snooping on W, this is all "drinking the poison water"
Why are you doing it? Why are you so obsessed with W? You were in a relationship with an LD woman who wasn't meeting your needs, who would irrationally blame you for anything that went wrong, and then cheated on you and lied to you. Why is that a prize worth making the focus of your waking attention?
The reason is that you are grasping to re-estabish a feeling of control over your life.
When W cheated/left she ripped your sense of stability away from you. From your perspective you didn't do anything to deserve it, you couldn't stop it from happening, and you couldn't put things back together afterwards.
That would make anyone feel totally out of control, spinning down the drain, and that is a horrible feeling!
You are trying to analyze and understand everything so that you can build it into a rational model so that it will never, ever happen to you again. If I can avoid doing X, then Y will never happen. In addition, you want to unlock this puzzle, to deconstruct it so you can find the solution that will allow you to rebuild it. Finding that key would provide immense comfort.
Your brain has convinced itself that getting W back, or getting W to apologize and declare a desire to have you back is the very best and fastest way to restore your feeling of being in control.
With the benefit of time and distance, you'll realize that's what it's really all about, it's about regaining the ability to feel in control of your life and your future. It really has very little to do with W or who she is as a person, she's a lever to get you what you want, but that's really just an illusion.
You're dying of thirst (feeling out of control), and pursuing W is drinking the water out of the poison lake. You think it will satisfy your thirst each time you do it, but really it's just making you more sick.
We will tell you "don't drink the water!" Intellectually you'll agree, but the water is always there and logically it seems that drinking it is the shortest path to no longer being thirsty.
Instead, you need to paddle your ass to the shore, leave the raft behind, and get a drink somewhere else.
That's not code for having your own affair or finding a new woman to have a relationship with. It has to do with finding an authentic way to rebuild your feeling of being in control, controlling your own destiny and getting your mojo back.
If you take the focus off of W *completely* she will notice. That will give her space to breathe, and to think. That's the only way these things turn around -- the ONLY way.
Don't drink the water. I know it's right there. Don't drink it.
Acc
Married 18, Together 20, Now Divorced M: 48, W: 50, D: 18, S: 16, D: 12 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 7/13/11 Start Reconcile: 8/15/11 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 5/1/2014 (Divorced) In a New Relationship: 3/2015
Accuray, thank you for the long and thought out post. I've turned a corner and am very much avoiding the poisoned water. I fully understand what you mean by not being safe to approach until see feels I've let her go. That is my goal. No more overtures. I know she needs to see that I'm not an option in order for her to want me to be one. The psychology of all this is astounding.
I agree with what you're saying about control. I had control of my future ripped away. Stability gone. Relationship gone. All not by my choice. I am working to rebuild that feeling in other ways.
I hate that she needs space to think about something that shouldn't be a difficult choice but I accept it. She's in a fragile place psychologically. All I can do is not be a crutch for her and learn to stand on my own 2 feet myself.
I hate that she needs space to think about something that shouldn't be a difficult choice but I accept it. She's in a fragile place psychologically. All I can do is not be a crutch for her and learn to stand on my own 2 feet myself.
Awesome brizz. Glad you're turning a corner.
Look at this quote above though -- all three of those sentences focus on her and what she's thinking. Poison water -- she's not your focus. No longer your problem how she makes her choices, how fragile her psyche is, or what crutches she's looking for. That's all on her, she's taken all of that off your plate.
If you look at the three main recommendations of Divorcebusting they are (1) act as if, (2) get a life, and (3) do a 180 right?
Do a 180 is about taking your learnings about yourself forward and changing things up.
Get a life is about rebuilding your sense of control by interacting with other people, getting their validation and using that to rebuild your self-worth rather than trying to find it only with your WAW. It's about taking the focus and attention off of your WAW.
Act as if is just "fake it until you make it" because really you can't just will your grief or processing to go faster, it has to unfold on its own timeline.
Someone who could DB perfectly would do the following:
[Gets ILYBNILWY, or discovers affair]
"Good luck with that, let me know how it works out"
Then just immediately head the other direction in terms of contact with and focus on the WAW.
No explanation of how you feel, no seeking explanations, just nothing.
Evaluate your role in the breakdown of the relationship but stop far short of taking on too much. What did/do you do that would likely bother anybody over time? Work with IC/MC/DB coach to fix that.
Note: You can't "fix" your insecurities, developmental issues, etc., those are yours to stay. You *can* develop better tools for coping with them, better ways of communicating etc. It's very important not to think of yourself as somehow broken, because you're not.
The WAS doesn't need to know that you're interested in reconciling, let them figure that out by pursuing you.
Become the better choice through your actions and the life you lead.
That's it. That's the prescription, but it's oh so hard.
You did some great things in sticking up for yourself and in establishing your value and self-worth by making W leave the master bedroom, find a new place to live etc.
Although that strength causes conflict in the near term, it's attractive in the long run. Keep operating on that basis and no matter what happens you'll win.
Acc
Married 18, Together 20, Now Divorced M: 48, W: 50, D: 18, S: 16, D: 12 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 7/13/11 Start Reconcile: 8/15/11 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 5/1/2014 (Divorced) In a New Relationship: 3/2015
