So yesterday I read the book that I had recommended my W to read. It's more a handbook and a quick read on how to help your spouse heal. I almost wanted to cry because it perfectly described how I feel and what I need in a R. It really couldn't have been any more perfect.
Unfaithful spouse had options: directly expressing displeasure, dragging to counseling if necessary, a strongly worded letter, a controlled separation. They made the choice and blaming the faithful partner is not an option. That the unfaithful spouse needs to address the hurt spouse's pain immediately, ahead of any issues they felt the MR had. Those are to be dealt with after. That often the marriage was not as bad as the unfaithful spouse portrayed it. They were looking through distorted lenses (I've used that exact term and even said it last Thursday to my W).
Leaving a job to provide your partner emotional security. Accepting some possessions are bad reminders and need to be thrown out. Accepting there will be triggers and to learn to anticipate them and help your spouse through them. Apologize relentlessly-- might take years, not weeks. Be completely honest, that complete healing usually starts 2 years after the last lie was told. Family members will need an apology as well. Selling a car might be necessary, a sign they are committed to a R.
It also talked about associating with those who are not friends of the marriage. People of poor values and influence. Who put a stamp of approval on the affair. That just like a drug user needs to sever ties with their drug using friends, these relationships need to end too in order to recover. This perfectly describes the best friend my W made at work. Before the A I could see she was being a bad influence. Knowing she approved the A, encouraged it, made jokes about it is sick. I've often used that exact term (but not to my W) to describe what she isn't: a friend of the marriage.
Reading this also made me sad. Because I really don't think my W will be capable of any of it. She still harbors anger and defensiveness toward me. She's always been defensive. She never really had a roll up the sleeves and work on the MR attitude ever. She auto-pilots. The most motivated she's ever been was in her efforts to have an A. I can never imagine her saying "I'm committed to this and ready to do whatever it takes. Here's what I want to do". It just isn't in her and that's the attitude she'd have to have.
She probably hasn't even bought the book. Maybe wrote it down for later. She's completely focused on herself. She should be working on her issues but should also see there is damage and pain on my part to address, as the book details. Each passing day where she thinks only of herself is hurtful.
