Help - Setting Boundaries, WW in EA - Thread #3

[Woke_Up]

Bit of journaling - over the last 7 days:

Wednesday: Very little happened to report. Minimal interactions, other than 'demanding' a new car seat for D5 as buckle was broken and she had to cut her free.

Thurs:
She sent me another video link on R counsellor and said to listen until the end – where it mentioned old marriages being dead after infidelity but possible to have new one.

I went training (my GAL), picked up SS16 on way home. In car he gave me weed that W had asked him to get for her from one of his friends. I was furious, told him not to do it in future, let her sort her own mess out . At home had a go at W, told her never to do that again, if she did I would throw it, and it was really unfair to ask her S16 to get her weed, what would happen if he got caught by police? W didn't really say anything. I went to bed left her to it. Selfish? doesn't even come close. She has done it before and I have told her not to.

Friday: DB coaching session at 5 am, and stupid mobile phone kept cutting me off. Coach advised working on building connection, got me to verbalise how W sees me and what her issues are with me. Have to write a letter apologising for my prior failures, and run through it with coach on next session.

That wasn't easy. I did it based on what W says, and when you don't agree with that, it is really difficult. OK, there will be some truth in it, but it's not as black and white as all that.

Texts from W on way home, wanted me to pick some stuff up, asked me to hurry up, said she hated being alone this much. Home - bickering. Said she was lonely being in her own, but that she also didn't like people. Didn't want to do things with people. I validated.

Saturday: Pleasant-ish morning but in the evening had an argument about D5 and bath time and getting her into a routine - W started off being rude and insulting, but then nearly burst into tears, (stress and anxiety?), said she can't handle things being made more difficult. Said she was really struggling. Held her, apologised. Things seemed better after that.

She went upstairs to lie down, said I could lie with her. Chatted, pleasant enough.
Checking her phone, she pulled up Skype out of habit I guess, rather than Twitter which she meant, displaying a conv with OM. I said that's my cue to leave. She said no, held me. Said she didn’t mean to do it. I felt pretty cold and angry, hurt. She went for a smoke and I talked to her, but afterwards, back in her room, just said good night. She asked wasn't she even going to get a kiss, and I said it's hard to be affectionate after that. She said she didn't mean to do it, and I said it's just a reminder that it's always there. She said not for much longer - I said I can't count the number of times I've heard that since September. Left her room, closed the door, went to bed.

I don't like this softly softly approach even when I am no good at the tough love approach. It tears me in two.

Not much to report since then. Some minor bickering on Sunday, but W appreciated me cooking dinner for everyone. I'm going to aim to do this every weekend - work on my cooking skills and give W a break from cooking. Minimal interaction while I have been at work, zero messages from her on Tuesday, and I sent none until after work to remind her I would be late, and how was her day. No reply. She has been quite withdrawn since the weekend.

So both of us are doing the NC thing. I try not to mind read, but it often feels like when I am upset with her for a reason & pull away from her, she pulls away from me in reaction. I am working on not pursuing. I have been a bit, particularly by overstaying in her room to talk to her before we say good night. I will stop that and monitor for any reactions.

I also need to stop worrying. I've recently found myself standing outside he door before I go to bed, like I used to do after BD, wondering what she is up to. Pointless. I'm better than that. I'm stronger than that.