Thank you for this. I don't know. I think it changes from week to week. But I will say that I personally am not filled with unhappiness or resentment in general. Someone at work commented today on how happy I seem lately. I feel good about my Rs with my kids, family, friends, coworkers, etc. I recently ended a friendship, which is unusual for me. It's sad, but at the same time I am relieved because she is a negative and pessimistic person. Whenever we spent time together, there was a lot of venting and bad mouthing involved. I have reached out to her several times in the last couple years, only to be met with how hard things are for her and how depressed she is. She has made no effort and doesn't get even get back to me. I am done. The friends I spend time with now are much more present and supportive. The Rs are upbeat and fun, but I can also be myself. It's easy. It feels healthy. I am accepting that not all Rs are forever. We change and grow, and it's okay to move on.

Now in terms of my M, I don't know how unhappy I am, but yes, I am resentful. I don't feel optimistic, or love, or joy when I think about my H or spend time with him. It feels like we go through life just taking care of work, family, and home together. My joys are with others and in things I can accomplish myself. I don't stew in negative feelings, but I generally don't feel close to him.

When things are smooth and I do feel close to him, I also think it's because I am making an effort. It's like he is waiting, but for what, I don't know. He's is just there. I don't like this back seat approach--it's more Nice Guy behavior. I want a man that will take a stand. I don't think he was ever that man. I think I saw what I wanted to see.

I met this couple today at a kids activity. Really nice people and they seemed so comfortable with each other. It was sweet. They reminded me of how we used to be many years ago. These two have been together 25 years tho. It just looked easy and right. I miss that. I wonder if I will ever have that again. And with who? I just can't imagine feeling that way about my H most days. Just being honest.

Blu

“Forgiveness liberates the soul. It removes fear. That is why it is such a powerful weapon.” – Nelson Mandela