A stronger me for whatever the future holds

[Gordie]

I've been pondering something the last couple of days around approach. There seems to be two very distinct approaches discussed in this forum:

1) Tough Love with boundaries
2) Treat them like a friend with a fine line of not being a doormat

It's often said on here that the approach and way you go about it varies by sich, your wife etc. and I think there is room for both approaches in this forum depending on your W and how you were pre BD...

Thoughts on the below:

1) Tough love with boundaries
- If your W is flashing the A in your face
- She is not showing any shame/remorse
- She is public about her separation and/or A
- If there is abuse
- If you were a H with little to no backbone prior to BD
- If she's clearly on her way to filing for D
- Where you are both being harmful to each other
- If she's being careless financially
- If she's showing no signs of wanting to work with you on parenting/finances etc.
- If she's not sharing her parental responsibilities

2) Treat them like a friend with a fine line of not being a doormat
- If you were overly controlling pre-BD
- If your W seems clearly confused but is not aggressive towards you
- If at one point you were both convicted or strong in faith
- If she shows a lot of shame and is still being secretive about her lifestyle
- She hasn't been public about the S, is trying to hide it or not address it
- She's willing to work with you on custody, responsibilities and finances
- She's seeking help on her own (ie IC)
- She acknowledges some of the responsibility of the M downfall
- She's not proceeding with D

In both approaches we need to focus on self-improvement and GAL, but the interactions with W differ slightly from being cold and distant to warm and open.

I have thought about this a lot and think you summarized it better than I could have done--very helpful.