Leaving Castle Caladan

[Zues126]

I hear you J. But here's the thing. In my case my XW walked. In yours it was your husband who left.

I don't support his actions. Leaving a marriage isn't an appropriate way to enforce a boundary to me, any more than shooting someone is enforcing a boundary on someone that cuts you off in traffic. There are times leaving a marriage is the only way to enforce a boundary, just as there are times shooting someone might be the only way to enforce a boundary in life. But in life it would take something pretty serious like breaking and entering and assault. And in marriage it had better be something pretty darn serious and threatening, and not emotional abuse or lack of compatibility to which 100% of married people could easily build a case for.

Of course these are just my values, which are clearly in the minority based on what I see when I look out the window.

But for me, I feel your husband should have sucked it up and stuck around for the count. Worst case scenario he is miserable in his marriage for life. More realistic worst case scenario there are underlying resentments, suffering, feelings of chronic misunderstanding and neglect, but also some surprising times of thoughtfulness, shared history, and some type of witnessing of each others life, maybe a ride to the hospital when someone is in an accident, someone to be at your death bed or funeral. Not a dream marriage, but not nothing either. Best case scenario sticking around might have even kept the door open for some evolution, some new insights, some growth, some breakthroughs. Maybe in 5 years you two would've found a way to go from being resentful roommates to partners again, and the season would have changed back to spring time. But even if Spring never came, I'm in the camp that every bad marriage has some good, and no good marriage is without some bad, and it's important to keep them together. And you were denied the benefits of a bad marriage as well as the opportunity to see what laid in the future for you as well.

We all have faults. We shouldn't leave each other for them. You shouldn't have to be perfect to qualify for a marriage. We post to each other so much because we both have a lot in common with each other's WAS, but we also are both marriage advocates and LBSs. I get the pain your ex went through as I've told you before, but I went through the same thing and would never have left. I might've been hurt to the soul but such is life. I'd rather be hurt to the soul and married than hurt to the soul and divorced I guess.

I guess it goes without saying I don't believe in greener grass either. Comparing your life partner to a car and trying to upgrade because you feel entitled to something you think is nicer is a gross way to look at leading a family. A mother would never consider trading her son for a foster child because she is resentful about her son's behavior. People can post differences all day long, but to me that's how gross I think abandoning a marriage is.

Again, I know I'm on my own here. I'm good with that. I'm not looking for agreement. The rest of the world can run it their way for a few more decades and see how well it works out. In the end I'm betting on Artificial Intelligence as our most realistic chance of solving this social disaster.

My main point was to let you know that just because you're human doesn't mean you deserve to be left J. Hurt, yes, we will all get hurt in an M and your WAH is going to hurt you just as you hurt him. But I grieve for your loss all the same.