A stronger me for whatever the future holds

[WillDo]

No no. No confrontation. I started listening to the videos on YouTube again. Just remember that all relationships gradually wear out. The initial magical moment runs out. She thinks he is perfect. "thinks" in her reality. Nobody is perfect. It will wear out. Stick to it.

[PacLove]

No no. No confrontation.

Yeah - I wasn't thinking of confrontation - more a "hey you may want to be careful with..." so that neither my D or I would trip on that kind of info going forward.

[PacLove]

Just remember that all relationships gradually wear out

This is so true... and is a conclusion she came to on her own and shared with me back in December. I guess just like her second guessing our M though she's still second guessing the OM, or just drawn back in by the excitement after not seeing him for a while. Temptation is strong!

[PacLove]

I've been pondering something the last couple of days around approach. There seems to be two very distinct approaches discussed in this forum:

1) Tough Love with boundaries
2) Treat them like a friend with a fine line of not being a doormat

It's often said on here that the approach and way you go about it varies by sich, your wife etc. and I think there is room for both approaches in this forum depending on your W and how you were pre BD...

Thoughts on the below:

1) Tough love with boundaries
- If your W is flashing the A in your face
- She is not showing any shame/remorse
- She is public about her separation and/or A
- If there is abuse
- If you were a H with little to no backbone prior to BD
- If she's clearly on her way to filing for D
- Where you are both being harmful to each other
- If she's being careless financially
- If she's showing no signs of wanting to work with you on parenting/finances etc.
- If she's not sharing her parental responsibilities

2) Treat them like a friend with a fine line of not being a doormat
- If you were overly controlling pre-BD
- If your W seems clearly confused but is not aggressive towards you
- If at one point you were both convicted or strong in faith
- If she shows a lot of shame and is still being secretive about her lifestyle
- She hasn't been public about the S, is trying to hide it or not address it
- She's willing to work with you on custody, responsibilities and finances
- She's seeking help on her own (ie IC)
- She acknowledges some of the responsibility of the M downfall
- She's not proceeding with D

In both approaches we need to focus on self-improvement and GAL, but the interactions with W differ slightly from being cold and distant to warm and open.

[KevinIn]

Very interesting recap.

My situation falls into the Tough Love category, but my DB Coach is pushing me to treat her like a friend/coworker. This is probably because she felt I was overly controlling and that she didn't have a voice. I'm following my DB Coach's advice so far.

[Gordie]

I've been pondering something the last couple of days around approach. There seems to be two very distinct approaches discussed in this forum:

1) Tough Love with boundaries
2) Treat them like a friend with a fine line of not being a doormat

It's often said on here that the approach and way you go about it varies by sich, your wife etc. and I think there is room for both approaches in this forum depending on your W and how you were pre BD...

Thoughts on the below:

1) Tough love with boundaries
- If your W is flashing the A in your face
- She is not showing any shame/remorse
- She is public about her separation and/or A
- If there is abuse
- If you were a H with little to no backbone prior to BD
- If she's clearly on her way to filing for D
- Where you are both being harmful to each other
- If she's being careless financially
- If she's showing no signs of wanting to work with you on parenting/finances etc.
- If she's not sharing her parental responsibilities

2) Treat them like a friend with a fine line of not being a doormat
- If you were overly controlling pre-BD
- If your W seems clearly confused but is not aggressive towards you
- If at one point you were both convicted or strong in faith
- If she shows a lot of shame and is still being secretive about her lifestyle
- She hasn't been public about the S, is trying to hide it or not address it
- She's willing to work with you on custody, responsibilities and finances
- She's seeking help on her own (ie IC)
- She acknowledges some of the responsibility of the M downfall
- She's not proceeding with D

In both approaches we need to focus on self-improvement and GAL, but the interactions with W differ slightly from being cold and distant to warm and open.

I have thought about this a lot and think you summarized it better than I could have done--very helpful.

[PacLove]

I have thought about this a lot and think you summarized it better than I could have done--very helpful.

Thanks... curious what the veterans would say ;-)

[WillDo]

I bet there will be objections. But I am more comfortable being away from tough love.

[Dawgs]

This is probably because she felt I was overly controlling and that she didn't have a voice.

Is it me or is or is this a common theme here? It seems that more often than not, I'm reading that us left behinds were controlling even when we really weren't. It must be part of that rewriting history stuff...

[Gordie]

This is probably because she felt I was overly controlling and that she didn't have a voice.

Is it me or is or is this a common theme here? It seems that more often than not, I'm reading that us left behinds were controlling even when we really weren't. It must be part of that rewriting history stuff...

Jeep74,

Yes, this is totally a common theme. I have struggled with this too. All of our situations are different, but I know in mine...this feeling controlled or trapped...I contributed to it, but it was more than just me. Here's how I've thought about it:

1. What is in the person's own mind/life that makes them feel trapped? Maybe unfulfilled dreams or ambitions (I want an education, I want a career). Maybe identity issues (I don't want to just be a W or mother or Mrs. Gordie). Maybe childhood issues (Jeep74--talking to you).

2. What did the spouse do to make them feel trapped? Did you not listen? Were you selfish--did you put your needs first? Did you control the money? Was sex an issue (pushing unwanted sex or withholding wanted sex)? Were you jealous or suspicious of their other relationships? Were you a snooper? Did you ignore your spouse because of work or a hobby or anything else--porn, video games, etc.?

3. What did society at large do to make them feel trapped? Are you trapped in gender roles? Does the W do all the cooking and cleaning and child care? Do you feel pressured by your community to dress or behave a certain way? Do you feel trapped by your religious upbringing or beliefs? Have you always been the good girl or the nice guy...and you are tired of behaving that way?