Leaving Castle Caladan

[Zues126]

Thanks for the reply J.

You are one of my favorite posters and I know anger has been a central challenge in your journey. And I also know you've been deeply hurt and have many reasons to be angry. I am not judging you for having moments of mishandled anger in your past. I have those moments too.

To me there is a very clear difference between feelings and actions.

XW has every right to be angry. My issue isn't with her anger. My issue is with her behavior.

Everyone feels anger. Not everyone acts the way she's acting. I'm not responding the way I am because of her anger. I'm responding the way I am to protect myself from her behavior. I am not going to engage with someone this destructive. That is my boundary.

To turn the tables, if I was angry and hit my ex wife, and she went to the police and got a restraining order...would she be taking away my right to be angry? I don't think so. I think she'd be taking away my opportunity to cross her boundaries and cause her harm. If I act like a rabid dog is she out of line to respond accordingly?

XW's assaults and accusations were way over the line, particularly due to their tone. I may have bullet pointed her accusations informatively, but it was communicated in pages of spew and multiple text messages.

As for being logical versus emotional, I'm thinking there isn't a one or the other answer. Denying our emotions and acting robotic isn't healthy. But acting out our emotions unchecked isn't healthy either. At some point we have to feel our emotions while looking at the situation logically and practically, consider what our values and beliefs are, then determine the best way to proceed forward to get the results we want and feel good about who we see when we look in the mirror.

I say this because it was a very hard decision to have to make to write off XW and demote her to rabid dog status. It is very sad, and I don't take such action lightly. I want to be clear I didn't reach this decision reflexively out of hurt or anger, but only after some careful reflection and seeking the advice of those I trust to help me guide through this in the best way for my family.

As for you J, what happened in the past is in the past. Consequences can last longer, but you can always enjoy what's in front of you. And while changing how you manage through your emotions doesn't take away consequences from past behavior, it immediately gives you that ability to look in the mirror and feel good about how you lived today. The best time to plant a tree was 20 years ago. The second best time is now. I'm in your corner all the way J.