Infidelity/WAH, my story pt 9

[PsySara]

Thank you Skyhigh, I read over the stages again and settled in for the long ride. WH was withdrawn tonight and mostly just puttered around the house. Then he went into the spare room and laid down. I finished getting the kids ready for bed and put them to sleep. Then I went into the spare room and asked WH if everything was ok. He mumbled, "I guess so." I sat next to his bed and asked if there was anything I could do? He simply stayed quiet. I told him, "You can talk to me if it would help." He said he just wanted to rest so I withdrew and took a shower. Afterward I went into the room and let him know I would be doing Taco Tuesday with my female friends tomorrow. He was silent for a long time then said, "Okay."

I was feeling mentally fatigued so I decided to try and call some friends but the calls went to voicemail, they are probably out GAL lol. I then went over my weekly goals, gym 3 times a week, get the tax papers sorted, and get the bug folks out to treat the new house. Sometimes I feel like waiting on WH to catch up is the most frustrating thing of all. He destroyed this marriage but I am still doing all the heavy lifting while trying to build a new one. I am so so so angry. I wasn't sure why my anger re-surged so intensely but then did the math and realized this was around the time the affair had resumed. I was driving to work this morning and gripping my steering wheel very hard. I was replaying his promises to work on our marriage all while he was re-initiating contact with the OW. It really makes me feel utterly stupid that I trusted his words. I was home tending to our children while completing my residency and he was in another state dating some cheap piece of trash. Dating. Is that even possible with a married man? But yet I have to walk on eggshells right now while he makes his way through this damn tunnel, eh? It's so unfair. Right now I feel like I either have to accept the cheater back on his terms or deal with only half of my children's lives as he has made it clear he would seek 50% custody. My states is VERY 50% so he wouldn't even have to fight.

I yearn for the husband that I first met. I yearn for his gentle, humble and kind ways. I used to love learning new things from him as he would gently and systematically go over the material. However now he first criticizes if I say something wrong and then sort of mentally hammers his point home. It makes me not want to talk to him or ask any questions. I know I am vulnerable for leaving this marriage right now so I make sure to avoid male companionship and I try to fill my time with warm, supportive friends. I stay in the moment when spending time with my kids and smell their sweet, child smell. I pray daily that my WH will return to being a H and not someone that I feel I can never trust again. I come here and vent because I can't elsewhere. I sit here in my pjs while my heart literally skips around (will be getting an ablation soon) and marvel that this man could literally break my heart and I am the one reading everything, watching the videos and pondering endlessly. I will NOT sabotage my work however, I keep my anger, frustration and resentment to myself for now. I will sort them later, if they ever need sorting. My hope is WH will get through this mess and be the remorseful husband I WANT.