OM's W texted me this morning and told me her H had texted my W to tell her to stop talking to his W. My W called him an ahole and said she hopes he can't sleep at night. So at least it sounds like the affair is completely over.
OM's W remembered some other details from her phone call with my W last Friday. She said they'd had sex at least a dozen times. OM still insists it was 3-4. He also still denied they had sex while my W was on her work trip there. He's just a lying piece of garbage.
My W apparently said they shared a bed the first 2 nights she was there and slept together the final night. That's especially hurtful since it was her final day there that I'd reached out to her during the day and ended up sharing with her an emotional letter I'd written. That was around 6pm. She didn't respond and when I prompted her to after 9pm, she answered about 30 minutes later "I can't". So that really hurts.
So last night my W was talking about being open to reading some marriage rebuilding books and told me to let her know if I recommended anything. I texted her this morning the name of a book (How To Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair) I said I'd like her to read. She responded "I don't like being told what to do".
I'm really not built for this hot/cold back and forth stuff. I don't know where it comes from. Her still being angry at me? Guilt so she's angry at herself? Maybe she is talking to her negative friend or mom and they steer her in the other direction? It just seems like she will be normal then next exchange she's bitter again.
We had talked about her maybe coming over this week for dinner. If she asks about it I don't know how I should respond. I'd like to tell her I can't keep doing this and she needs to commit to something one way or the other. I wish she was in "anything it takes" mode and gave me something to work with.
I'd like to tell her I can't keep doing this and she needs to commit to something one way or the other. I wish she was in "anything it takes" mode and gave me something to work with.
Heres my problem with your approach. You are expecting her to do all of the work here. And I certainly get it. She was in the wrong on many things, and now wants to potentially jump back in without really recognizing the damage and cleaning it up. My problem is that you dont really know what you need to heal. Sure, theres websites and books and such, but Id recommend if you are really going to try to piece this back together, that you enlist in a really good marriage counselor that specializes in piecing.
Im noticing in your comments that you are still focusing on what you want her to do. But it's framed as "she needs to do XYZ", not "I need XYZ in order to feel ABC." So, to her, it will clearly come off as controlling because it's you telling her what she needs to do, not what YOU need.
And I continue to recommend that you stop all communication with OM's W. She told you things that didnt matter and you got your feelings hurt. Every time that happens, it will make reconciling more difficult.
Oh, I don't want her to do all the work. I'm just getting frustrated with her mood changing constantly. I know I have a lot to work on. And you're right, I have no idea what I need to heal. I'm worried in the back of my mind that I'm trying to get my W back so much that when/if that happens then all the anger and resentment will rise up.
I brought up going to a counselor as a first step and she said she just didn't know if she had the motivation and needed to work on her own issues right now with her IC. She basically said she now has a whole ton of new issues because of the damage she's done to herself by letting OM use and manipulate her.
Thanks for pointing that out about phrasing. One of her big issues is she felt I was controlling. So she already is in a mindset to be defensive against anything she perceives that way. Like the book situation earlier today. Even though I said "I'd like you to read it" she got defensive as if I told her to. I had replied and told her "I didn't mean for it to be something you had to do. I just said I'd like it if you did." A while later after I made my previous post she did respond and say "OK, thank you for the suggestion". I really hope she does read it because it's important for her to see what kind of damage is done in these situations and what it takes to try to heal it. She needs to hear that from an impartial source like a book, not me.
If she is still wanting to come by and talk or asks about coming over for dinner, I'll tell her, "I need you to be 100% honest with me and answer any questions I have in order for me to be comfortable with us discussing moving forward". I'd really love to be able to add "I'm going to get mad, I'm going to be hurt, I'm going to say things. It's important for me to run through those emotions so I can deal with this so please let it happen and we'll get through this together".
I just don't know if we'll get to that point because she's so back and forth and so defensive and adamant that she isn't sure she even wants to work on the MR.
Thank you, Vanilla. I understood half of your words but all of your message.
My focus is on getting us to a point of R. She texted me later in the evening regarding the book: "I'm considering getting it but I just need some space right now." I didn't respond and I don't intend to.
My plan now is for her to actually feel my absence. She literally went from my bed in December to sharing a bed with OM the next night on her work trip. She's only now having to deal with being "alone" and it's taking its toll. She admitted as much and even said I'd had time to gain that kind of stability.
So I'm not going to be available to her. If she temperature checks via text, I'm not responding. If she says she wants to come by to see the dog, I'll ask what time and say I'll leave the door unlocked but I won't be there. I think she is at a point where she needs to see me moving on and not think she has me as a back up option but rather choose to commit to me and working on a new MR.
I think this completely depends on what comes after it.
I cant see how saying something like "I need to be able to trust my partner" is controlling. To me, thats a boundary issue. Im not going to be in another relationship where Im checking on my partner's phone activity or whereabouts. Thats about ME, not about my partner - that person can choose to do whatever they want, but if the choices lead to that kind of attitude, then Im not going to put up with it.
I'm worried in the back of my mind that I'm trying to get my W back so much that when/if that happens then all the anger and resentment will rise up.
Exactly. Thats why getting all the details isnt advised, because it only builds more resentment. Anyway, maybe it's time to focus on your issues rather than on getting her back?
Originally Posted By: brizz
I brought up going to a counselor as a first step and she said she just didn't know if she had the motivation and needed to work on her own issues right now with her IC. She basically said she now has a whole ton of new issues because of the damage she's done to herself by letting OM use and manipulate her.
I think this says it all. She isnt ready to be in a relationship with you again. So let her go and do what she needs to do to heal.
I brought up going to a counselor as a first step and she said she just didn't know if she had the motivation and needed to work on her own issues right now with her IC. She basically said she now has a whole ton of new issues because of the damage she's done to herself by letting OM use and manipulate her.
I think this says it all. She isnt ready to be in a relationship with you again. So let her go and do what she needs to do to heal.
^This. She is on her own road. One that unfortunately only has room for her. She needs to travel it herself. You, my friend, have your own road that needs tending. Own it.
There are moments in this life when you are so confident in the rightness of your actions, that not even for a second do you consider the option that you might be wrong.
-- Me: 47 WW: 35 SS: 17 D: 5 T: 7 yrs Engaged: 2 yrs OEA confirmed: August 17 2016 ongoing since April 2016. OEA continues (with occasional breaks) BD2 - W says will visit OM in Jan 18
