Same Sitch. New Approach. Motivated. Feeling Good.

[Chris73]

Thanks Vapo. You're right.

Logically I know there's no silver bullet but I guess emotionally I keep looking for that glimmer of recognition that she's moving out of this limbo and towards me... that she will tell me that she wants to try again.

In the beginning I thought rational conversations (which I now refer to as my "sales pitch") and romantic displays of my affection were the solution. I know better now.

These days I'm just simply trying to reconnect with her on a friendship level. But you're right, if the goal is to lovingly detach with no expectations, I'm not always acting with that goal in mind. Many times I'm looking for a reaction and then get worked up when the reaction isn't what I'd hoped for.

Even with the 180s I'm doing around the house (taking control, being proactive, not asking my W for help or her opinion on how to do something) there is a part of me that waits for recognition from my W and then gets resentful when I don't get one.

This is clearly not detachment.

Perfect example... Every year we spend a week at the beach in the summer. Obviously this year no plans have been made yet. And I'm working myself into a frenzy deciding how to approach talking to her about it. But I think the fully detached approach is: "I would like to take the kids to the beach for a week this summer and I need to make the plans now. Here are the dates I'm considering." And just leave it at that. There's no reason why we can't still go despite her limbo status. Of course, at this stage I would probably ask her if she wanted to come with us, but I'm sure some would advise that I don't invite her at all...

Anyway, thanks Vapo. Lots to think about!