I'd like to tell her I can't keep doing this and she needs to commit to something one way or the other. I wish she was in "anything it takes" mode and gave me something to work with.
Heres my problem with your approach. You are expecting her to do all of the work here. And I certainly get it. She was in the wrong on many things, and now wants to potentially jump back in without really recognizing the damage and cleaning it up. My problem is that you dont really know what you need to heal. Sure, theres websites and books and such, but Id recommend if you are really going to try to piece this back together, that you enlist in a really good marriage counselor that specializes in piecing.
Im noticing in your comments that you are still focusing on what you want her to do. But it's framed as "she needs to do XYZ", not "I need XYZ in order to feel ABC." So, to her, it will clearly come off as controlling because it's you telling her what she needs to do, not what YOU need.
And I continue to recommend that you stop all communication with OM's W. She told you things that didnt matter and you got your feelings hurt. Every time that happens, it will make reconciling more difficult.
