WAS or what 9

[roist]

A few weeks ago Gordie asked the question about what I was doing to become closer with my W. This question struck a cord as it correlated to part of my current thinking.

Before expanding on that I admit (and not for the first time)that I am probably working on too many aspects of ME at once. But I am attacking a global overhaul towards ROIST2.0. I say this as I, think for many others it won't work well, but I think it suits me. Due to his approach I think I have spent more time in my thinking, to attain an overall version of me that is consistent and aligned.

Part of my current thinking was about what I was actually doing to improve my R with W. Maybe along the way I became stuck as tbh I have done nothing new recently. I could easily sit behind the excuse, that after this amount of time and effort it is now up to her to come around. That does not sit right with me. Firstly as long as she is still here I have the time to try stuff, but mostly I am not happy with how we are living together. So I am eager to be different.I want to be more like I would be in a "normal loving" R.

So to be that man I am doing the following actions:
# opening up slightly my communication. Expressing feelings/fears/emotions. I am doing this gradually and initially on safe/neutral topics.
# I am working on how I phrase things. I am pretty good (not perfect) at letting W and others know when behavior is not acceptable to me. However instead of using phrases like "don't talk to me like that" or change your tone with me" I am now looking into better ways to communicate the same message. For example " I understand you are unhappy with xyz, but I tend to be more accommodating when asked nicely". I am only just dabbling into this so any guidelines will be appreciated.
# I hold eye contact a second or two longer when we kiss hello/goodbye
# I initiate physical contact between us. Not sensual but comfort. Regardless of my mindset I try to be consistent with this.

There is other stuff but nothing earth shattering. I am making a bigger effort to be more consistent. Over time I am consistent but within any day there could be moments I struggle. These are getting fewer and farther between but still occur. Also I try to balance several different mind frames:
1 being a loving/caring person
2 being independent enough to demonstrate do not need W.
3. Want to stay together but not any which way.
4. Respect her not being able to love me now
5. Knowing I will not live forever like this.
6. Being available but not always. Being busy but not always

Again there is more but I think I am close to perfecting the balance that is best for me, at least for now.

Recently I relistened to Michelle's video on divorce busting. It is obviously not as detailed as the book but a great summary. When I first read DR, I passed through the section on "Asking" .Forever young has also mentioned asking a few times. Now seems right. I will reread that chapter and determine some actions.

On a sidenote I have noticed several times, and not just personally but that some knowledge we learn about at one stage of our journey may only become useful or relevant later on. That is why I tend to go back through old material at times as well as learning new viewpoints.

Whereas I would be reluctant to say I was stuck, I now have started moving forward on this side of things, and other things ltoo. A long post to hold myself accountable to, but also to see if any of ye good folk have observations or comments that could help.

Thanks for reading

Best wishes