Ive watched all of How I met Your Mother, and I was thinking today about one of the topics that my ex and I used to casually joke about. In the show, they talk about every relationship having a "Reacher" and a "Settler". The basic premise is that one person has found someone 'better' than they are and have 'reached' while the other person has found someone 'worse' but doesnt feel like continuing to search and has 'settled'.
I used to joke with my ex that it was clear I was settling due to certain characteristics, but it was a joke, as we both knew that I was clearly 'reaching'. My ex was very attractive, incredibly smart, funny, kind, etc, etc. Meanwhile, Ive always been shy, quiet, awkward, etc, etc. While Im sure it wasnt the show's fault that we broke up, thinking back on this concept, and this dynamic, I feel that by embodying this dichotomy, it led us to feel certain ways.
Feeling like I was reaching, I never felt comfortable in the relationship. I regularly felt unequal and felt like I had to compete to earn the love from my ex. I also remember thinking often that my ex might leave and could do better.
The problem is, that didnt drive ME to do better. Instead, it made me feel like I should hold more tightly, in order to keep that person at my 'level'. I frequently made jokes at the expense of my ex in group settings. I was terrible about celebrating personal and professional accomplishments. I was not good at offering words of affirmation.
Of course, it wont matter much for that relationship now, but it was enlightening to me to think back on that.
