Vanilla, my boundaries for R would be that she's able to talk calmly without yelling or we won't continue that talk. That she respects how I feel and doesn't try to discredit it or we won't continue that talk. I had to enforce that last Thursday when we were talking and I spoke of what I had wanted in the R and didn't feel I got (hand holding, notes, signs of affection, etc.) and she said "I really don't believe you wanted those things". So I said "Those are my feelings and I'm the only one who can speak on what they are. If you can't respect that then we won't continue talking about this" and she agreed she shouldn't try to tell me how I felt.
So now for my update: Yesterday WW texted me that she was in the area and wanted to come by and see the dog. I really didn't know what to expect since she'd just been over Thursday and I knew how everything with her A had blown up and she'd confessed to OM's W, etc. So she came over. Played with the dog for a few minutes before politely asking me how I was doing. We started talking. She got upset for a bit in talking about how she felt I had treated her in the M. I listened and validated but asked her to calm down if we were to continue talking.
A lot of what she said rung true, some didn't. She again talked about wanting to go into town to restaurants on special occasions, which she'd never discussed. She went more in depth of how she thought about it for her birthday, getting dressed up and going but decided I wouldn't do it, so she settled for a nicer restaurant nearby where we didn't need to get dressed up but then thought she wouldn't even get me to agree to that, so she settled for a place we'd normally go. And she's right, I may have been disagreeable to it. But it's also because it wouldn't have been something we normally did and I felt she'd really want to do. So I emphasized if that was something she wanted and she communicated that it was important, I wouldn't have had an issue with doing it for birthdays or anniversaries.
She talked about how I'd tease sometimes. That it hurt her but I still did it because I didn't think it hurt so it didn't matter. And she's right. To me it was a joke and she didn't need to be hurt by it. I should have accepted that if she felt it hurt, then it hurt, end of story. She again talked about traveling and how when we went places before she didn't feel like I wanted to go and she had to plan everything and we didn't really do anything. I validated but disagreed with some points on it.
She again belittled my contributions around the house as if she did everything. I made sure to speak up because that simply wasn't true. This is really something I feel she needs to see more clearly on. For the majority of the M I worked at a job where I was off every Friday. I spent a good portion of those days cleaning the house. My current job I'm off every other Friday and that was still true. She certainly did a lot but to act as if I did nothing is insulting.
She actually talked outright about the affair somewhat for the first time. Used the word affair, even. She said it was a mistake from start to finish. That she was selfish and didn't think. She said repeatedly at different points how it was a big mistake. I had asked at one point if she saw now how she was used, lied to and manipulated and she said yes. Said she didn't know how she was capable of doing those things. Really genuinely said she was sorry for hurting me.
She also said I needed to think about how easy it was for her to do it to me. She said how when I texted her on 12/30 about how I knew she took condoms when she left, that she could have come back home and tried to fix things but she didn't. She said when she got that message she was mad and also angry at herself for being so careless. She said while she was doing it she really thought we were over and it didn't matter.
She said she was meeting with a lawyer after she was kicked out and wasn't sure she wanted a D. But then the lawyer pulled up online where I had just filed and she said that made it easier for her. We talked about where we stood right now. She said she's pretty broken and she knew I was too and she had a lot of issues she need to work on on her own. She did say she didn't want us to schedule mediation, which I think would be the next step. Said she wasn't sure if she wanted to work on a R with me and didn't know how I would even be open to it.
She asked me about why I filed and didn't want to talk first. I explained I was immensely hurt and she'd made it clear before that she didn't want to talk to me and was treating me worse than garbage at that point so it was an emotional decision when I was really hurt and a mess. She understood.
At one point earlier in the conversation when I was apologizing she was looking very upset so I offered a hug and she didn't want a part of it but finally somewhat reluctantly hugged me. The general tone of the visit was kind of strange. After she calmed down from being upset she went over to the kitchen table where I had begun a jigsaw puzzle and started working on it. I sat down and we started doing it together. She asked if there was anything to eat and I jokingly asked "Oh, I'm supposed to feed you?" and she kind of laughed. She got some chips and was eating them for a while so I asked if she wanted something else. I warmed her up some leftovers and she ate and thanked me.
It was clear she just wanted to be there. She did say she'd like to come over more and see the dog. I asked why she hadn't done that before and she said she had other things going on (I guess the affair itself) and she thought I was angry at her and couldn't be around me. She was actually at the house for over 5 hours yesterday all on her own decision. It was like she just wanted to be around me, I don't know.
When I walked out with her when she left she hugged me. I don't know what is going on. I don't know what to make of this stuff. I think she's confused. I mean, she says she had all these problems with me and that I was a terrible husband but a good person. Yet she is wanting to be around me. I don't know where it's coming from. I don't want her doing something out of guilt or since she jumped into the affair and now it's over she needs to go back to clinging to something, me. She was upset at one point, angry, but then later she was very soft and caring, the W I knew before. I guess I'm just as confused as she is.
