Thank you so much for this beautiful message. I've read it a couple of times now and each time it makes me well up. Your compassion is palpable.
I think I've given up hope now. I'm still doing all the things I was doing before - GALing, praying, in effect, I'm still standing for the marriage, but I've given up hope that anything I do will make any difference to him. To me maybe, but not to him. Leaving that to the big guy now.
The way you described hope was an eye opener. You're totally right in that I equated hope with reconciliation, but hope should be about healing and recovering, with or without family intact.
I am really struggling with letting go because I am only in this country because of WH. I would never have left my home country if not for him. I recognise I am bitter because I feel like he took my life, my best years, and just trashed me when he didn't want me anymore. He moves on effortlessly, but I am on my knees scrabbling for the broken pieces of my life, and given the way I'm feeling, I may be for a few years yet.
That's the real difficulty for me. I have made a friend in a neighbour who is going through the same thing, but she didn't move here for her WH. And she has no kids. So even though she rages and says we're in the same boat, I look at her and think, I would much rather be in your boat. At least once she's done with her divorce, she never need lay eyes on her WH again and she can move on with her life choosing to believe he was a bad dream. Whereas us with kids, and with me not wanting to be here, every day is a living nightmare.
If I hadn't met WH, I wouldn't have left my home. My home is a 13 hour flight away. Everyone I love outside of my marriage is there - my parents, my family, my oldest friends. My security is there. My heart is there.
I want to go back to my home more than anything. I wake up every morning and my first thought is "God, help me through this day". And my last prayer is to thank God for helping me through another day. I miss my home so much. I dream about it. I dreamt about my friends the other night. They were all lining up to hug me and I cried as I embraced each one. I miss them so much. These are people I grew up with. I have friends here but they are new friends. For socialising. A few have already dropped me because of my sitch. Because I'm no longer the laugh I was before - too much of a drag.
The other day I FaceTimed my dad and instead of being home as he normally is, he was outside. I could see the sky and the trees behind him, heard the noises of the street. The homesickness hit me like a blow. I could feel the warmth of the air, I could feel the breeze... I was shocked by my own reaction.
I've told WH I will give it until October to try to make it work here before reconsidering leaving. Before, at the back of my mind I thought it would also give me a chance to repair things with WH. But now, I don't have that hope anymore. On Monday last week he announced to the mediator that he had to divorce me because his girlfriend won't go out with married man! Great! What a saint!
I am only staying here, watching WH prance off to OW, my broken heart rotting in my chest, because of my son. I always thought I would kill for him. I didn't expect it would be a bit of me I'd have to destroy.
