Your husband is in full depression/withdrawal phase, he is starting to realize what he did and it's hurting/torturing him, he is trying to show that he changed by his actions. Put more emphasize on those than on his words. He is not ready to have that talk that you desperately would like to happen. I went through that phase a few months ago, like you I wanted so badly some apologies, but when I asked for some he became defensive/touchy. I stopped but inside myself I was boiling, I even thought about filing for divorce just to stop that pain/anger/frustration I had inside myself.
Nowadays sincerely, I don't think about it every day, I am much more focused on his actions/behavior and how he reacts when we talk about the past, his touchiness is almost gone. We had a conversation about OWs last Friday night, I told him that I was hating them and de facto how I was disgusted by his past actions, he didn't protest or try to defend them as he used to do, he just said " I am here because I want to be here", not exactly the full apology I dreamed about a few months ago, but I will take it. It doesn't mean I am fully satisfied but that a big step in the right direction.
Try not to focus so much on the list you made, may be take a break from some reading and just enjoy to have him back and caring for you. Reading is very helpful but use that information more as general guidelines.
The elephant in the room will disappear little by little, trust me on that one, I really thought I was going to have to live with those obsessing thoughts forever, guess what, they are not in mind daily anymore and their intensity went down sharply. You accomplished a lot, you were able to make him rethink his mind about leaving you, he is now showing you that he cares, don't destroy all the progress you made because of the demons you have in your mind, I had the same, I used to talk daily to a friend and it helped to calm me down. Be patient, he won't get out of his phase before a few months but you will start noticing some changes little by little.
Put yourself in his shoes for a moment (I am not trying to excuse him by any mean), he is realizing that his quest for happiness almost destroyed his wife and family, he is now trying to understand what went wrong with him, he is also unsure (on the fence) if you "really" want him after everything he did and said. He might also be very skeptical that it might work down the line, mine thought it was not going to work and I was going to bring it back all the time, he was quite obsessed with that idea, somehow he had a very hard time believing I could accept him again. His mind is in full turmoil right now. He is not ready to talk about.
Men have a very hard time apologizing with words or at least in the way we would like it, praise him for his good deeds, make him "trust" you, most probably he might be fearful of your reactions in regard of his past actions so to avoid any conversation on that subject. That also why IC or MC might be very scary for him. Having an EA is something but having a PA and making plans of leaving your wife and children is something different.
My husband refused to read any book or to go to counseling too, I was a first quite angry/frustrated at him, because it was going against everything I read and I thought we won't be able to piece without them. So I decided to ask him to make some mandatory changes to his lifestyle and habits, he complied and also came up with a few of his own without me asking. It took me a while to accept his refusal, there is still moments I wish we could go to MC then I remind myself that I have never been so at peace/happy since a few years. I really don't know if our piecing will be successful down the line because MLC is a long journey but I am glad that replay is over...the worst years of my life.
Me 52+ WH 57+ Married 20 + Piecing since 2016 (ready to give up...)
