So for those of you who have known me since posting here as julie, know that my anger for husband has been a huge issue for me. Anger, along with my sense of justice prevented me from divorce busting. I saw my husband as an enemy. Some one out to do great harm to me. An opponent in war.
Now it feels as if the dust is settling for me a bit.
Today, I was able to get my STBX to agree to something financial based on honest communication. This small validation or acquiescence meant so much to me.
I ended up feeling this immense Grief instead of anger at the upcoming divorce which is set to happen soon. It's a senseless loss. And I am really really really sad that it came to this. Him and I had history. We were in our early 20s when we met. He knew me when I was in school. He knew me and my insecurities when landing my first job. I knew his struggles with cigarettes and over eating. I saw him cry when the ultrasound showed we were having a boy. I remember how awful it was and was there to embrace him the minute I found out his dad died. We knew each other's flaws and negative personality traits. We knew and laughed about each other's families. We agreed and still see eye to eye regarding many things, especially son. So I am very very sad that we could not make it work. I am sad because my engagement ring was beautiful, unique, and filled with sentiment. (I have never been attached or liked a material possession like that ring) I am really sad that this relationship is officially coming to an end and can't be salvaged. I do not feel enthusiastic anymore at the thought of a replacement or a new relationship.
And the sadness feels worse then the anger. The anger helped because it made me ignore the loss. It helped me to think that I was better off. That there would be some one out there more deserving, or more compatible. Grief makes me realize that there is an actual loss. For both me and my son and its senseless and huge and irreplaceable.
That's why the WAyward spouses are so angry at us. Because it makes it easier. I was angry for almost 2 years. And I didnt need it to justify leaving, just to make the loss less. The spouses that leave really need to rely on that anger.
I just don't understand wanting to end a marriage. Our marriage was not filled with abuse or betrayal. It wasn't ideal, but the issues were workable. I don't know if he truly wanted to end the marriage in the beginning, or if he just wanted space and things escalated because of all the hurt. I don't even think there was infidelity. Just lack of transparency and communication and secret debt.
But here we are. The very expensive lawyers are drafting up agreements. There is a huge part of me that would want for him to at this point say lets not do this. I know that's not something he would do at this point. He would say, too much water under the bridge. I understand why the coaches told us to be friends. That friendship is the only way it would be possible to salvage the marriage. It would have been the only thing to lower that water. But I don't think true friendship was possible with our amount of anger. I Think it would have been done with the intent of manipulating him back, but at a point when I was angry because he dared to leave.
