The high road: rocky with a great view

[ciluzen]

Hey Gordie! ]
I am NC with XH except for important things (concerns about kids, financial stuff), because it has helped me quite a bit to move forward and work on me. Yet I still believe in standing and being "the lighthouse". My motto is "kindness, kindness, kindness". First and foremost and on my mind when I am dealing with others. It has changed my interactions with EVERYONE, not just XH. Most people behave negatively because something has affected them, so I try to be kind even if I don't understand the why.

I still love XH and know he still cares about me. I know he looks for my car at the ski area. He expressed to my girls that he wanted my 50th to be special and wanted them to make sure of it. He tries to make sure I'm ok by quizzing my girls and his staff (who are friends of mine). I hate our situation; I hate what happened; I hate the assumptions and choices he made. Yet I also understand his low self esteem, controlling nature, stressors and feelings that he is not in control (which has always caused him to lash out and be angry). His age obsessed MLC crud. I'm not in control of any of that, either. Its his battle to wage.

So what should I do-how should I treat him? I give him space to work on him, while I spend my new gift of time figuring out who I am again and what makes me happy. Funny thing is, some things I had said I didn't like...I actually do, but was protecting a fragile ego that couldn't stand to not be the best at something. I worried too much about what others thought or what I thought they would think. I realized I love skiing. I'm not good at it, but by going my own pace instead of just trying to keep up and being scared to death, I have improved greatly. It is something that has brought me genuine moments of happiness...alone. Being forced to get myself out of tricky, difficult situations and relying only on myself has done wonders for my self esteem and outlook. I guess in a wierd way, I'm thankful to XH for that. But that's who I was before I gave up on me and became just the wife and mother...putting everyone first. I was the backpacker, surfer girl, longboarding, barefoot art student with the crazy curly hair and no responsibilities. I feel like I got a do-over, but with a little wisdom and maturity this time around.

So again, do I want now to be friedly when I see him? How about this...I am KIND. I am genuinely happy with myself and kind to those I encounter; whoever they are. If they want to go beyond "hello", "please", or "thank you"...beyond "beautiful day, isn't it?"; then, if I can take the time, I will. In the case of XH, I feel he still looks at me as if he expects me to lash out or reject him at each meeting. When I don't, he shows he wants to spend time with me. I've noticed some subtle "tests" in our convos. I don't react as I would in the past. Not trying to control anything but me anymore. So, kindness, kindness, kindness. What happens, happens. That's what I want from me. I have no expectations from him.