Infidelity/WAH, my story pt 9

[PsySara]

Thank you Sky, your advice is spot-on. I've started reading HEaling from Infidelity by MWD and honestly I am feeling a little discouraged. There are parts written for the unfaithful spouse and WH has made it clear he will not read any material. In the past I asked, then begged then demanded...all with various levels of failure.So it begs the question, can we piece if this affair remains the elephant in the room?

WH often asks me if I am ok, if I need anything. I have even written (in Dec '15) the list of what I needed to heal. While he is asking what I need I have made it clear in written terms, a few of the listed items was IC for each of us and MC for us. He went to MC but it resulted in disaster and the MC suggested divorce. Another was he was to read a book "How to help your spouse heal from your affair" but then he followed up by reigniting the affair. Sigh. There have been moments where he tells me how sorry he was about the affair but this usually ended with an argument as he would be defensive when I expressed my hurt by telling all the ways I was not enough of a wife. Since our last fight in Jan where he said he was finding a lawyer....followed by his request of reconcilation we have not talked about the affair at all. So reading the book makes me feel bad because WH isn't going to read this book. He will tell me he will but then never get around to it. I've already suggested two books in the past which he promised to read and then didn't.

Last night we had to call an ambulance because D6 woke around 12:30 and couldn't breathe. Turns out 6 years can get croup, who would've guessed? I went with my daughter to the hospital and WH stayed home with the younger children. He was a wreck, pacing and asking if we needed anything. After a few breathing treatments and some oral steroids she was 100% better. We took an Uber home and WH took DD6 and I collapsed into bed. WH had to go to work today and took care of the guinea pigs and cat before going to work. He kissed me goodbye and told me to call if I needed anything.

I look at these actions and realize that WH is engaged in our marriage, he is more engaged than ever before. So why I am I struggling? Why do I still wonder if he truly loves me? Why do I worry it's a matter of time before he cheats again? I really wish he would consider the two day intensive with MWD so I could feel like he "gets it."