Same Sitch. New Approach. Motivated. Feeling Good.

[Chris73]

I have experienced tons of resentment over the past 24 hours with my W getting closer to her 5-day "vacation" in FL.

Last night we went to a neighbor's house (cool neighbors, not the man-bashing neighbor next door) for dinner. Their kids play with ours. I could have stayed home but remembered my 180 and the fact that I hadn't seen my kids all day so I went. I felt so out of place and uncomfortable in that setting it was astounding.

There was a person there that none of us had ever met. My W introduced herself and our kids and then stopped, even though I was standing right behind her. So I spoke up and said, "I'm Chris by the way." My W apologized immediately for the oversight. I don't think she purposely excluded me from her introductions to be spiteful, it just kinda felt like I didn't exist in her world right then. That pretty much set the tone for the rest of the night. I continued to engage in the conversation and even listened to my W tell a couple stories about how we met and when we were first dating. But everything was just a little off. There was tension there. Maybe I was the only one feeling it...

Then my W proceeds to take out her vape pen and smoke. Now, my W and I are both ex-smokers (going on 8 years now) and we have ALWAYS strived to live a healthy lifestyle. Her mom just died of cancer as a result of smoking 3 years ago. But this vape thing is new for her. I discovered it a few weeks ago and mentioned it. She told me she would just bring it with her when she went out to the bar with her friends. But I get the feeling that she's probably using it regularly. It was so odd watching her smoke it last night. Almost like a mini-betrayal. I mean, who the eff IS this woman anyway? Where did she come from?

After a while I decided that I was going to leave and take S8 home. We had just gotten the new Zelda game and we were BOTH aching to play it. But I was also very tired from a 12 hour day and the idea of standing out in the cold in front of a fire pit watching everyone smoke wasn't very appealing. So I told my W we were going and she asks if I can also take D5 home.

This really bugged me. Here's this woman who was only home one night this week (her birthday) to put our kids to bed (granted she was working on 2 of them) and she won't be around for most of next week because she'll be in FL. But she didn't think it would be appropriate for us all to leave at the same time so she could help put our kids to bed. She really just wanted to stay and party. And these aren't even people that she regularly parties with. She just didn't want to go home. But I didn't let it bother me. I smiled and said goodnight and took the kids home. S8 and I played Zelda until 11pm!

So look, I'm not an idiot. I recognize that her selfishness is at an all-time high right now. Sandi2 warned me about this countless times so it's not a surprise. I spent a few hours today working through my resentment and journalling. But I did eventually get over it. I also realize that I'm extra sensitive right now. Once I got the resentment and anger out of my system (I went for a run), I felt better.

I also tried to see things from her perspective. What's causing her to be so selfish these days? Does she even recognize it? This is a woman who has put her own needs behind everyone else's all her life, going all the way back to her early childhood. Her therapist has even suggested that she never really HAD a childhood because of the problems in her family. So I think the selfishness is a reaction to all of this. She's trying to make up for lost time by swinging over to the other extreme.

I don't think is an acceptable or mature way for her to handle this issue, but I can understand why she might be reacting this way. And I would never want to trade my position with hers. I had a stable upbringing and I consider myself to be emotional stable (for the most part). When she opens up about the things she went through as a kid (alcoholism, physical abuse, abandonment) it breaks my heart. Through most of our relationship I assumed that I could provide enough stability for her to get over this. That I could "save" her from the trauma of her past. I'm smarter now. There was never anything I could have done to save her, the only thing I should have done was supported her, and I didn't even do that.

Anyway, I never thought I'd say this but I'm relieved that my W will be going away for a few days. I could really use a break from her!