By the grace of God

[mleigh4]

HW, I did end up reaching out to H with some questions and wanted to share his responses.

I asked him why it bothers him that people are saying we are divorced. His answer: He wasn't making a point of it bothering him that people say that, he didn't even know they were, he was just giving an example of the strange things ex friend was running around saying about him. He also wanted to make sure I know he has never referred to me as his ex wife to anyone, because I'm NOT. Whether I care or want to think of myself as his ex wife is my choice.

He pointed out that he does not have the answers on what to do, but I am the one who is saying that living together would not be a smart choice, and I brought up the option to divorce, SO, he asked, what do you want from me?

Ahhh, you gotta love his expertise at turning it back to me. He IS very good at that! From what I read from that, he is bothered by how he looks to others, doesn't want to be the bad guy, it will be my choice to end the marriage, at least he will make sure that is his story.

So I answered like an adult and said I want a resolution to this, I want us to decide what we are going to do.

S birthday was the next day, H had him in the morning, dropped him off at school, I had him in the evening. H texted saying it seems I don't want to do things together anymore, but he really would like to see S that evening.

I replied that I would never keep him from seeing his son on his birthday. I said our conversations have not been clear so I will try again. My emotions have all kind of come out of nowhere, so I decided to let him know this was coming from spending time on our last vacation, and the mixed feelings it brought up in me. I couldn't help but wonder what I was doing, what we were doing, and what it meant. I told him I also wondered if it was really good for us to be doing that without knowing those answers. I said we have both fallen into this comfort zone of family sometimes, single the rest, that I have been happy with it, life is good, but I just have a chitty marriage. But I am starting to feel the example for S may not be good and at this point it feels we are just wasting our time. I gave him what I think our options are.....commit to some meetups so we can talk face to face about the issues and see where that takes us. Or, we can live our lives separately until one of us can pull that trigger.

He said he wants to have some talks and we would start scheduling those. He came over for S birthday and helped with cooking and making cupcakes. He offered to help in anyway for S party the next day, even picking up kids for me if I needed. We chatted about different things from during this week and had a pleasant evening.

Hopefully the talks will start happening, in the meantime, I am trying to be strong and assertive with myself, no more buddy buddy hang out friends time! I pulled out my passive aggressive book to re-read, because he is a poster child for that.

Looking forward to S party tonight! Then I have a hike planned with a friend in the morning. Some fresh air will do me good, it's been an emotional week.

Hope you all have a nice weekend, take care.
M