Dealing with Devastation

[giftd]

Kaizen- Yes I was listening to her. I wasn't in the right state to not call though. Her family has been there for me throughout the entirety of the marriage and is closer to me than my own family. I have stopped the contact now that I have calmed down.

I have stopped sending her messages even though I obviously want to talk to her. All the readings I've done and people I talk to all say the same things: GAL, deal with anxiety and depression. I'm trying new things. I started yoga, have been bowling several times, went out with some of my friends friends and have a friend coming to stay with me for a week or two.

The reason I say going dark for the next week is that I have to get one of our ferrets to the vet for surgery and it seems selfish to not tell her as she has no idea they are sick. I plan on being matter of fact and as short and to the point as possible. It also makes it a short term goal I can focus on and most likely achieve which should boost my confidence.

I plan on being regular at the gym. I'm scrawny but in decent shape. I hope that it helps to have her see the best looking and acting me whenever I have to go face to face the next time (it's been 13 days now). The gym will also do a lot to help my mood.

I don't know if the insurance is covering me or how I would be able to contribute to it without contacting her and I'm not going to initiate. I have a counselor I see (we went together to her twice) weekly but can't afford to get the full doctors and medication set up without insurance. She has tomorrow off, I expect her to try to talk either then or Wednesday (her other day off) to discuss either financial or animal things. If she asks to get anything else from the house I plan on waiting to reply and then telling her that I'm busy (she doesn't have a key currently).

I am doing my best to realize that this process is slow and may not ever work out how I want. I have to try to focus on my issues and finding who I want to be, what my values are, what I want out of life. It's just hard where everything is so fresh and new. Hearing that she loves me, but isn't in love with me sends my mind racing. Somehow she lost the intimacy over the last 2 years. I just want to put my real best self out there for her to see and hope she gets that feeling back.

I see the frantic bargaining and reasoning I've done during the early days only leaves me looking desperate (which I kinda am) and unattractive.

I appreciate everyone's posts. Insight and other points of view are good to hear.