JR, not sure what to say. I was there and I'm not sure if anything anyone said helped me. Maybe. Dunno. I felt numb at times, depressed at times, and for a few moments, ok at times. I do think often about your comment about Marlin Perkins. It helps me take a step back from the person that I thought I knew, and see her for a mysterious animal that she is. Hang in there, man. It will get better. I'm going to go have a cold one, and will toast for our better futures.
Me: 50, MLC/WW 45 Young kids Nov 2015: BD1 Apr 2016: BD2 Jan 2017: W filed Feb 2017: D final
LH19 -- thanks for stopping by my thread, and I'm sorry your sitch resembles mine, or that you have a sitch you have to deal with at all. Keep doing what you can to grow and improve, for you.
At first, I struggled mainly with an intense desire just to fix me, to make myself more attractive for her, so as to fix the marriage by being what she needed me to be. That didn't work, all of my efforts in that direction were perceived to be smothering, and it kept me miserable, because I was constantly living and acting for her and not for myself, and it made me more and more attached in an increasingly not healthy way, which drove her further and further away. Eventually, that gave way to a realization, and it sounds like you are there, that, even if I did everything I could, she had pretty much decided that the promise of new grass, wherever (and whomever) it ends up being, is just greener and more perfect than I can ever be, and the best I could hope for is a W still married to me, but one pining for something she thinks would be better. That ended up not being good enough for me, although that realization took longer than it probably should have had I not been struggling with self-image problems associated with the rejection. I got where I started to see that alone will be better than together under that scenario, and there's certainly no guarantee that alone, forever, is my destiny anyway.
I'm still struggling with losing time with my children, but I'm going to try to see if there's any truth to the coping blurb people throw out, that high quality time, even if less of it, is better than lots of low(er) quality time, which was our reality in the Zombie Marriage -- our home is a sad, gloomy place often, and that's no good for kids.
My mother is a 2 Enneagram.
Me: 46 W: 44 Married: 17 Together 21 D13; S10 BD: 03.03.15 (Not attracted to you) Almost 2 years trying, alone, to save marriage Status now: Divorced (effective 06.13.17)
FG -- there's nothing that needs to be said. I'm really grateful for your support along the way, that's for sure. We will get there, I know it. Enjoy that cold one!
Me: 46 W: 44 Married: 17 Together 21 D13; S10 BD: 03.03.15 (Not attracted to you) Almost 2 years trying, alone, to save marriage Status now: Divorced (effective 06.13.17)
My mother is also a 2. I think the world of her probably why I married my wife. Could you ever imagined your mother breaking up your family? I know my mom would have never. Although, things were different back then.
I just keep hoping that my wife will come around and want to stay together for the right reasons.
JRuss you sound contempt of what you are doing. I read the first chapter again. The chapter saying why divorce doesn't resolve issues. But again you do everthing. You change you focus on family her needs but it goes not too far. My journey just within a day went from ok cold turkey to no talk. I am so desperate to plead but holding back. Increased my meds. Hope you see light at the end of the tunnel.
Me: 43, W: 43 M: 16, T: 18 D - 7, D - 7 ILUB: 26 August 2014 Still living together
JR, give us an update. Any practical changes to your life? Get new furniture? Can opener? Colander? Send out Evites to your family and friends to join in on your D? (Sorry).
Hate social media. I quit them to avoid the ignominy of getting divorced online.
Hope you're solid.
Me: 50, MLC/WW 45 Young kids Nov 2015: BD1 Apr 2016: BD2 Jan 2017: W filed Feb 2017: D final
In terms of an update, we're still living together and will until she can move into the house she's under contract on that closes in mid-May. It isn't ideal, but I can manage another two months, and I can't think of a good reason to make my kids' mom move out, then move again, etc. We'll still be married until the first week or so of June, when the 90-day state-required "cooling off" period (ha -- any colder in here, and I'll be frozen) ends. My ring is off and has been since the day I had to sign the Parenting Plan and have it notarized. I realized I was done and didn't consider myself "married" to anyone who would make me give up half of my children's remaining childhood and, importantly (to me) think nothing of giving that up herself. To in fact be motivated to parent less.
Our local paper publishes news of all divorce filings, so it went officially public a couple of Saturdays ago. Very few of our friends read the physical newspaper anymore, but I did get a few "Holy $hit we had no idea" texts. It's not terrible being able to speak about it as a thing that's is definitely happening.
When I get sad these days, it's rarely about her. It's much more kid-focused, as in realizing that the clock is ticking down to the day when they have to start shuttling. Any advice on how to handle that? I don't want them to see me sad, and I really don't want sadness to get in the way of the time I get to see them.
Me: 46 W: 44 Married: 17 Together 21 D13; S10 BD: 03.03.15 (Not attracted to you) Almost 2 years trying, alone, to save marriage Status now: Divorced (effective 06.13.17)
JR, it kinda sounds like you've detached from your STBX... which is good (given the circumstances).
Local paper -- ugh! Don't they have better things to do! I believe in people working as villages and communities but that seems to go a bit too far.
I don't know what kind of an arrangement/understanding you have w/ your STBX ... but in my case we live close by (~1 mi) and our schedules are flexible so we have been able to see our kids fairly often, although we are making an effort to help them get comfortable with the week-on-week-off schedule.
Week-on-week-off ... What can I say. I hate not seeing my kids, but given the divorce, this is the best I can do for them. I'm a bit frazzled when they're with me, but then when they're gone, the house is depressingly empty.
The only strategy I might share with you is that I tell myself this is when I need to bank my time for the kids. This is when I get stuff done, so that I can be more present when I have them. Every minute I spend working on household stuff and work is every minute more I get to be available to spend with them when they're here with me. That connection, that motivation, lifts my mood a bit.
I guess the other strategy I have is that I've picked some home improvement projects specifically for my kids (i.e., improve their rooms or improve something that they'd like). And working on that while they're gone makes me feel connected to them, and feel like I'm investing in the quality of the time they'll have when they are finally with me.
Also ... I have to admit ... I'd be a liar if I said the huge chunk of free time I have when the kids are gone isn't exhilarating at times. It's weird to have such a huge chunk of time to be completely free. So I do try to GAL and appreciate that freedom. I didn't do enough of that as a married person.
Give my best to your wife, hope the kids are well. (Kidding about the wife!)
Me: 50, MLC/WW 45 Young kids Nov 2015: BD1 Apr 2016: BD2 Jan 2017: W filed Feb 2017: D final
FG -- thanks for the tips. It's good to hear that you're making it work so far. We're going to start out doing 2-2-5-5, but I think we will end up at 7/7 pretty quickly given their ages (10 and 13). STBX is moving pretty far out of town, so I think we'll be a bit more scripted on tradeoffs than it sounds like you guys are, but most of our transfers will be school pickups when school's in session; I really won't see STBX too much unless it's summer time. That's ok by me.
As I was driving home from work two nights ago, I was slowly approaching our driveway, and my son was shooting baskets at our hoop I bought for his birthday two years ago, completely lost in his moment. The setting sun was hitting him just right, and it was just about the most beautiful thing I've ever seen. How can it possibly be that someone would voluntarily give up so much time with him and his sister and never do anything (other than two faked trips to a marriage counselor) to try to prevent it? I'll never understand, I know that. I'm not sure why I still want to understand it so badly, though.
Me: 46 W: 44 Married: 17 Together 21 D13; S10 BD: 03.03.15 (Not attracted to you) Almost 2 years trying, alone, to save marriage Status now: Divorced (effective 06.13.17)
The setting sun was hitting him just right, and it was just about the most beautiful thing I've ever seen. How can it possibly be that someone would voluntarily give up so much time with him and his sister and never do anything (other than two faked trips to a marriage counselor) to try to prevent it?
