Same Sitch. New Approach. Motivated. Feeling Good.

[PacLove]

PacLove--that is awesome and inspiring but what many on the boards would call being a doormat or enabling cake eating. What do you think?

Chris - hope I'm not thread hijacking here but since I saw some great responses from you too think this is inline...

I like Chris and many others on here tried the tough love at first, now that W has come out of the Fog her first feedback to me was that I was being difficult and that I was pouring fuel on the fire of our relationship that was already suffering before the A. As a result I have a much deeper hole to dig myself out of (as does she).

I do think it's a very fine line though - you need to have boundaries where W is disrespecting you. A good example could be if she's picking a fight for no reason - instead of giving in, you could just turn away and say I'm not fighting with you right now.

Another example in my recent discussions with my W is that she's been trying to convince me to sell some of our assets and I basically turned to her and said I'm not making any big decisions until we decide on our future - I made too many of those already in the last year.

At the same time I've been working really hard at being a friend. A friend doesn't need to know where their friends are 24x7, they are there for you usually when needed, but not always if they have other plans.

I also think there's a fine line and a turning point... let me explain:

The fine line is when they are actively involved with someone else - here you need to be guarded with boundaries. You need to accept they are making choices you don't agree with - and there will be some consequences - for me it was not sharing the same bed. When she moved out and wanted to keep finances separate I drew up an agreement so we were both accountable to our financial obligations.

The turning point - and this is a tough one as you may not know when it is - is when they give up the OM. At this point they will be turning to you to see what their options are - this is, I believe, when you want to ease up on the boundaries a little and show more compassion and friendship. If you're Christian - I would remind you of the story of the Prodigal Son. Where the Father welcomes the lost son in with open arms. This won't be one moment - and your W could be assessing your behavior over months as she's trying to figure out her options and what she wants. The better friend you can be during this time will improve your odds.

Now friendship - especially if you have kids - can never be a bad outcome. I have talked with many people who have gone through a D and when kids are involved they all recommend trying to establish a healthy friendship for the sake of the children and co-parenting.

I similarly find it somewhat biased on these boards towards the tough love side, however much of the online reading I've done, books, MWD herself and the coaches, guide towards being a friend. I think in the end there's less damage to the relationship - the only question is how much damage do you do to your own self esteem/confidence in the process? As long as you can remain confident, change for the better and be the Man you want to be (and not what your wife wants) we are heading in the right direction.