Same Sitch. New Approach. Motivated. Feeling Good.

[Gordie]

But really, what qualifies as "backfiring?" What does "failure" look like for me? If I end up divorced, co-parenting, and contributing 75% of my paycheck to my W and kids, is THAT failure? And what about all the folks on this board who tried the tough love approach only to end up with this very result. Did they fail? I would say no, across the board. Failure to me is simply not trying. Everyone here is trying. We read the books and post on this board. We employ critical introspection in an attempt to fix and improve ourselves. Emerging as a stronger and healthier person from this challenging time, whether it results in a reconciliation or a divorce, is a success as far as I'm concerned.

I love this. I think the thing with the tough love vs. kill them with kindness approach? There of course is no right answer. I think DB approach is do what works; stop doing what doesn't work. And only you are in your shoes with your own conscience. To me, failure used to be D in any form, but I'm accepting that as you said, it's not. To me in my situation, failure is if my W and I are dishonest with one another or hate each other or can't stand to be in one another's presence and that our children experience a hot or a cold war for the next several decades. I can only control what I do, but really don't want that to happen. And winning? I guess my definition on that is expanding too. Of course, it could be busting the divorce or reconciling after divorce. But what if we wind up just as friends either as singles or remarried to other people? I used to count that as loss...but I guess I'm warming up to the idea that maybe that can be a win too, different than the life I'd planned, but a win nonetheless...as SBJ said, "Thy will be done..."