Same Sitch. New Approach. Motivated. Feeling Good.

[Chris73]

PacLove. Thank you for finding this article. Believe me I question my actions/methods every day and it's always good to find support/evidence that I've made the right decision for my sitch.

PacLove--that is awesome and inspiring but what many on the boards would call being a doormat or enabling cake eating. What do you think?

Gordie, this is one of the things I struggle with, especially on this board. I don't subscribe to the "tough love" (for lack of a better way to describe it) approach as it relates to MY sitch and I am very vocal about it here. I suspect this may be the reason why some of the board vets like Sandi2 have not contributed to my posts over the past month. In their eyes, why should they continue to give me advice when I'm not taking it? And I don't blame them at all for moving on to other board members who could benefit from their advice. I will continue to post my observations and progress here and I certainly let you all know if my "kill her with kindness" approach backfires.

But really, what qualifies as "backfiring?" What does "failure" look like for me? If I end up divorced, co-parenting, and contributing 75% of my paycheck to my W and kids, is THAT failure? And what about all the folks on this board who tried the tough love approach only to end up with this very result. Did they fail? I would say no, across the board. Failure to me is simply not trying. Everyone here is trying. We read the books and post on this board. We employ critical introspection in an attempt to fix and improve ourselves. Emerging as a stronger and healthier person from this challenging time, whether it results in a reconciliation or a divorce, is a success as far as I'm concerned.

My personal philosophy is that goodwill creates more goodwill. Marriage problems cannot be fixed if there is no goodwill or connection between the couple. If my W is being obstinate, I can still affect the dynamic between us by trying to create a connection through small but consistent actions of love and kindness. It's not easy and you have to constantly ego-check, but these actions will soften the heart. When my W emerges from her fog, she needs to see me as a man who has not only improved himself but also continued to nurture a friendship that provides a fertile ground for reconciliation.

Being a "doormat" suggests that someone else can rob you of your self-respect and dignity. But I would argue that no one can "take" away your self-respect. For me, doing everything you can to honor your commitment to your marriage despite all obstacles is a very dignified and honorable thing to do.

By the way, just a brief update on my W's birthday. Everything went great. We all had a fun and my W couldn't stop thanking me and complimenting me on what a great job I did on the dinner. I overheard her bragging about it to two of her friends in the days that followed. Yes, she did eat cake. We all did, and ice cream too!