Moored

[HaWho]

Mleigh - honestly, these days, I don't see him all that often.

Monday - Friday, I see him for a short bit at dinner. Then, poof, he's back to the dorm room. He is consistently more aware of the boys, though. He once again tracks their comings and goings, delineates times they are to return, etc.

There are still bizarre moments. Here's a great one. Last week s13 had a game right after school and I couldn't make it. H was supposed to pick him up. H texted me giving me the address to the game and asked me for directions. He said something was wrong with his phone.

It reminded me of a teen who hates his mom but suddenly realizes she IS useful because he needs help. So I sent him directions from home.

He then said the directions I sent him were from the house but he wasn't coming from home. So of course, I asked where he was coming from. He didn't seem to be able to give me an exact address. And if he weren't with S11, I would for sure think he was lost at some hidden brothel. (But he was with s11 AND I later learned he was even on the same street as where the game was!)

So I texted back and told him I was so confused. I asked him why he thought I would know where exactly he was? And then I asked him how I was supposed to give him directions without knowing his exact address. (I am still confused and this happened last week.)

By this time I was leaving work and just said I would pick s13 up. The whole scene reminded me of those early replay days where he couldn't find places. Unbelievable he went all the way home (30 minutes away) even though he was on the same street as s13!

When I picked up S13 (who was aware that h was somehow on the same street but then left!) he was mad to be kept waiting. And he asked me (only half kidding) how I even married this person. I didn't say anything in response. But, in my mind I imagined that maybe the priest accidentally forgot to stamp my application for marriage and maybe somehow, due to small tiny technicality, I wasn't actually married. Then s13 woke me up: "hello?!? Are you even listening?"

The other day I was driving and as I rounded a corner, there was the place I stayed at on the 1 year anniversary of BD. And guess what? I had such nice memories of it! As I drove along I realized that although I was so sad on BD day itself, now, I remember the general calm of that place and I associate it with BD.

Special thanks to Ellie and Job who told me to go. And to AJM, who doesn't post often anymore, but gave me great advice. I'll pass it along to those coming behind me. On those painful anniversaries? Take the sting out of those days by recreating positive memories.

This year at BD, it may not be all rosy, but sprinkled with the pain, there will be a memory of me reading and resting by the ocean on a foggy day.

There are moments where he course corrects. This morning h asked s13 if he could bring him to school. It was my day to take him. But son wouldn't be ready for 10 minutes and h said he couldn't wait (even though he could, he just didn't want to do so).

So I zipped it even though it would have helped me out as I go a different direction for work. S13 came in and said it wasn't going to work for h to take him and I said that was fine. I think h heard s13 and he changed his mind and said it was no big deal for him to wait and take him. I thanked him and praised.

One last thing. The other night I filled out some school paperwork for the kids for next year. I was outside h's dorm room and told him I left him some paperwork outside on a table in the hall. H (very curious): "paperwork?!? What kind of paperwork?" And as I walked away without answering he came out immediately to see what it was.

The kids were there but I wanted to ask: what % of you was hoping it was divorce papers?

H said aloud: "ohhhhh, it's school paperwork." I really couldn't tell if he was relieved or disappointed.