Thread #2 - Separating

[sandi2]

It is very common to see the WW respond this way. The hurting and hoping H mistakes her sense of relief as being a sign of her softening.

I wish I had the skills to explain how the WW is on a completely different page from him. She might as well be on another planet. When the bomb drop occurs, it is usually her announcement that she is unhappy, doesn't feel in love with him, starts blaming him for this & that, yada-yada......but in truth, she has long had disrespectful feelings toward him.....and is emotionally done (whether she actually says those words or not). It wakes up the H and he begins trying to correct the things he remembers her complaining about. Whether she gives him a laundry list of complaints at the BD or not.......it is not the true root problem that currently exists. That's why the LBH does not see the desired results when he is trying to fix the laundry list. The reason behind her complaints may be legitimate and could have played a part in the breakdown of relationship.......but eventually, she allowed her feelings of disrespect and resentment to take over and lead her into rebellion against her H and their M.

If she was willing to work with him to save their M......then he would see positive results. The current issue is her waywardness. The wayward does not want it....and is not willing to work to get it. IMHO, that is just one of things that separate the wayward from the WAW. The wayward has a hidden agenda. The wayward is cold, selfish, and mean....in spite of what her H tries to do to please her.

IMHO, it works better for the LBH to let her go.....b/c she is going with or without his emotions tied around her. That's not to say they won't ever be together again, but certain things usually have to take place in order for it to occur.

If she goes her separate way, and she's in an affair or living like GGW..... or whatever, he needs to spend that time working on himself and preparing for better things to come. If she's in his future, then he will be better prepared for her. If she's not in his future, he will be better prepared for something else. This is his time to fix himself and become the man he likes. He needs to be a friend to himself and do things he enjoys that maybe he hasn't done since marriage. He needs to use this time to grow! But he needs to do it independently from his WW, and stop making everything about her.

So, she will be in her fantasy world, until it begins to crumble and she experiences consequences that come from her decision to tear apart her family. In the meantime, she still gets glimpses of her LBH, or hear tidbits from others saying how good he look, or how he seems to be enjoying his life, or whatever. She may try to temp check or manipulate him in other ways, but she discovers he has changed and no longer succumbs to her demands or complaints. He no longer is interested in her games, who she is seeing, or what she does (this is from her view). She begins to feel she has really lost him. She sees a confident man who seems in control of his personal life......and she sees some things in him that may remind her of that guy she loved & married.

In time, the affair usually ends and she will either turn to OM2 b/c she doesn't want to give up that type of lifestyle, or she will turn to her the LBH she dumped. That is the time he needs to play hard to get, so to speak. He doesn't need to be her backup plan. And, he needs to use a lot of caution, b/c she should have to work to get him back again. Not through manipulation and playing games, but really doing whatever is necessary to be in marriage relationship with him. Her apologizing and having remorse for the pain she has caused, is a good place to start, but it's not enough. She still has to do something about her wayward feelings in her heart, otherwise, the M will be right back in the same shape again.

Instead of sweeping things under the rug, acting like nothing has happened......they need to attend therapy for couples healing from infidelity, and take reconciliation slowly. They should not jump right back into living together before the problems are resolved. And even after they move back together, they may need to follow a long term program that helps couples who are trying to recover and have a better MR.

The LBH was working hard on himself during the time she was gone. Her hard work begins on herself once she faces her reality and takes ownership for the pain and destruction she has caused. If she really does it, then her heart is more likely to soften enough to feel remorse. Her remorse is very important. Without her taking responsibility for her behavior, the affair, etc., she will not make the changes and do the hard work ahead of her....and she'll continue to blame her H. If they make the decision to be a couple again.....then their hard work begins on their relationship. This time around, the H will be wiser and better prepared.