It has been a few months since I last posted. I miss you all, but I have not had a chance yet to roam through the forums to see whom I still know. Feel free to let me know you are still around. I would love to reconnect.
I have decided to move over to this thread as I am no longer a newcomer and DEFINITELY need some D survival skills.
Life is much better now, but very busy. My In-house Separation h-e-double-hockey-sticks is over. Thank goodness. As one friend had told me, it is soul crushing. I could not agree more.
The trial is over. It was a terrible physical and emotional ordeal. We are still waiting for a verdict on certain financial matters, but either way, I have been completely financially drained. Legal fees are through the roof and it will be some time before I can even begin to dig out of this mess.
The kids are adjusting as best as possible and I love having them around. Combined with a full time job, it is very difficult, though.
Now comes the real challenge. Co-parenting. My first question for my fellow DBers: Our Shared Parenting Plan, the new bible of our relationship, stipulates 15 days vacation with kids. I have selected two distinct weeks in the summer. I have checked the dates against many things and have found no fault with them. Still, I am fearful that my STBXW will reject those dates. How do I notify my STBXW of the dates I am planning? Her is what I proposed:
STBXW,
These are the dates I am taking vacation with the kids: Monday x/xx/17 – Sunday x/xx/17 Monday y/yy/17 – Sunday y/yy/17
RAI
Short, and to the point.
The sooner I get this to her, the less likely she will have made her own conflicting plans. Any input would be appreciated.
There are moments in this life when you are so confident in the rightness of your actions, that not even for a second do you consider the option that you might be wrong.
Hi Rai, glad you are further along with resolving things...
I worry that if you go in with a statement like that, she may dig her heels in on dates, just because she can...
For me, I would phrase it as - XW, I'm looking at summer dates and would like to take the kids away on X and Y weeks. If you could confirm this week, I'd appreciate it...
Rai
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
RAI, welcome over here. It's a fun place. Definitely lighter than Newcomers.
WRT the vacation communication, I think either method can be appropriate, it just depends on what your other communications have been like. I have found that communications evolve over time and if you're starting out brisk and businesslike now, as your feelings change over time and you become happier in your post-D life, that you'll become naturally more relaxed in your communications with her too. So I wouldn't stress too much about it, just go with a similar tone to what you've been using up to now.
I just had the vacation communication schedule with Mr. Fantastic today and it was a lot more like Sotto's than yours, but there were so many moving pieces to account for that trying to do it in your style would have been totally unmanageable. But I'm also not fresh out of court, so... write it how you want to say it. Nothing is forever.
Welcome to the other side of the rainbow -- you're in good company over here.
Me42, H40 D12, S8, S7 A revealed: 7/13 Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15
Thanks so much for the welcome and the common-sense advice! I ended up doing some sort of hybrids of my original and Sotto's - much more BIFF, as per V's specs. It is good to know that communication will evolve, because right now, it is pretty poor in both directions - not good for the kids. Financial issues are pretty serious now, and STBXW wants to continue spending. I feel like I have entered into a business partnership with someone I neither like, nor trust, and who has terrible financial sense.
She will text me and ask how I feel about this or that activity for the kids, and I am fearful of refusing because I worry she will make me into the villain. The truth is, I am now in serious debt and I am reticent to spend on almost anything right now. The kids are clamoring for more extracurricular activities and more material things, and I am more concerned about rent, tuition, and food bills. They did not ask for D, and I feel terrible that I cannot provide them with the things they want. This just worsens my resentment of STBXW.
On another note, I have joined a dating website. I have already "met" a couple of women. These short-lived exchanges over the website have been invigorating. I have not even made it to the phone stage, but I did get a personal email address. I am so missing intimacy in my life - as you have all heard me lament before. I am going slowly, but I think I am ready to test the waters a bit. If I wait until I have healed completely or until my finances are sorted out entirely, I will never start.
As an aside, I cannot tell you all how grateful I am to have emerged on the other side - intact. I have learned so much. I know I have a lot more to learn, but I am thankful that I have been given the opportunity to do so.
I am fearful of refusing because I worry she will make me into the villain.
Why are you fearful of this? In her eyes, you already are.
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The truth is, I am now in serious debt and I am reticent to spend on almost anything right now. The kids are clamoring for more extracurricular activities and more material things, and I am more concerned about rent, tuition, and food bills. They did not ask for D, and I feel terrible that I cannot provide them with the things they want. This just worsens my resentment of STBXW.
Similar situation here. We used to go on trips every year with the kids and take them to all sorts of places. Now, I can't afford that stuff anymore. However, I found that doing free stuff (and there are tons of free things) to be much more rewarding and they will remember it just as well, if not better. Take them fishing. Build models. Play games. Play tennis. Whatever. Just do it. Be the best you can and they will see. Be careful about all this buying stuff...
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On another note, I have joined a dating website. I have already "met" a couple of women. These short-lived exchanges over the website have been invigorating. I have not even made it to the phone stage, but I did get a personal email address. I am so missing intimacy in my life - as you have all heard me lament before. I am going slowly, but I think I am ready to test the waters a bit. If I wait until I have healed completely or until my finances are sorted out entirely, I will never start.
Might want to check with your lawyer first before any dating is done if you two are married...even if you are separated, you are still married.
There are moments in this life when you are so confident in the rightness of your actions, that not even for a second do you consider the option that you might be wrong.
RAI, just wanted to give you a welcome to this side of things. You will find familiar faces here, happy to have you as the new neighbor.
Date when you are ready. I started dating a year after he moved out. D was in process but not final. That timing was right for me. Still, the first year was nothing but a learning experience. I don't think I had it in me to be in a long-term relationship then, as much as I wanted one with MyNica. I feel so much more healthy and stable now. But not dating wouldn't have produced that for me. So, I'm just saying, listen to yourself, take it slow, learn what you need to, my friend.
I understand your frustration and resentment of STBXW and finances. My XW still does not have a job a year and a half later. I am not sure reality has hit XW even after all we have gone through.
I too have missed intimacy. I started dating just after the new year, a little over a year after XW left. I by no means am ready to have a serious relationship and am very honest with those I meet. It is just nice to know that there is someone from the opposite sex that still finds a D'd father attractive enough to at least go out for a nice dinner!
I struggle with comparing XW to the new people I meet and fear opening up my heart again.
H-46 XW-38 T-7 M-6 S-9,8,8,6,4 S 11/30/15, I filed 12/8/15 EA 2/1/16 D dismissed 3/24/16 PA 3/18/16 confirmed 4/22/16 XW files for D 4/1/16 - D final 11/17/16 Finally moving forward...
