Well, we had another session today and I went in with a much more open and understanding mindset. It definitely changed the tone of the session. I made it clear that I have not seen any remorse or even an admission of wrong doing on her part and that was causing me to not be able to open myself up at all emotionally to her. She replied "I have no remorse, I am not sorry." I believe these words were all that was necessary for the counselor and myself to see that this can't move in a forward direction. The counselor even went as far as to say "Lack of remorse isn't typically a sticking point, remorse is usually obvious in these situations". I did ask if she had contact with OM and she said she did text him last night, so I was grateful she admitted it but upset that she broke the agreement. This on top of the no remorse thing makes it EXTREMELY difficult to know what direction I should be going.
I am really at a loss now. I truly don't feel like I can or should move forward with her now. Without genuine remorse, she isn't capable of doing the intraspection necessary to determine why she allowed herself to have an A.
She is engaging in an EA/PA, admits it to your face, feels justified and unapologetic, has stated she hates you.
What more do you need to see before you let her go on her journey and you begin on yours?
To me this would mean to more IC. No R talk explaining why no more IC. No more communication beyond one word responses necessary for a bit here (until you can do it without explaining, arguing, defending, attacking, trying to get her to see your point of view, temp checking, and on and on and on and on and on and on. Just stop.).
She's shown you how she is going to treat you. If you don't protect yourself you are responsible for any further harm she causes you.
PS- I like your comment about the affair. To be fair to Sotto, I would say there are many reasons why a spouse might be tempted to have an affair. But in the end they only actually happen for one reason.
Me:38 XW:38 T:11 years M:8 years Kids: S14, D11, D7 BD/Move out day: 6/17/14, D final Dec 15
Ouch. Well, no you know. Time for you to be the best you possible. Own your road. OWN IT.
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I am really at a loss now. I truly don't feel like I can or should move forward with her now. Without genuine remorse, she isn't capable of doing the intraspection necessary to determine why she allowed herself to have an A.
Seeing that she is still involved with the OM, you can't move forward with her. Period. Why on earth would you even want to? Step out of the box and think about that one for a minute.
It doesn't matter if she has genuine remorse or not, as the marriage is done. Not trying to sound like an ass, but it is what it is. Don't try to read into things that aren't there.
There are moments in this life when you are so confident in the rightness of your actions, that not even for a second do you consider the option that you might be wrong.
She is engaging in an EA/PA, admits it to your face, feels justified and unapologetic, has stated she hates you.
What more do you need to see before you let her go on her journey and you begin on yours?
To me this would mean to more IC. No R talk explaining why no more IC. No more communication beyond one word responses necessary for a bit here (until you can do it without explaining, arguing, defending, attacking, trying to get her to see your point of view, temp checking, and on and on and on and on and on and on. Just stop.).
She's shown you how she is going to treat you. If you don't protect yourself you are responsible for any further harm she causes you.
PS- I like your comment about the affair. To be fair to Sotto, I would say there are many reasons why a spouse might be tempted to have an affair. But in the end they only actually happen for one reason.
To be quite honest I pretty much had let her go on her own journey other than telling her that I would not be a part of it which caused the position we are in now of her "being open to counseling". I had already protected myself, I had moved forward, I had gotten used to the idea of being without her, I HAD/HAVE accepted it. Then I stated all of this to her to let her and it caused us to move down this path. Unfortunately m this path isn't a good one either as she is still texting the OM (albeit no where near as much), and she has no remorse. With this said, all of the work that I have done with MY IC has led me to believe that the BEST choice for me is to tell her that I am done and wish for her to no longer contact me. I understand everyone here says show her with actions, but I disagree with this. I will not intentionally ignore someone without TELLING them why I am doing so...not because I owe her an explanation, but because my conscience won't allow me to do this.
My counselor suggested that based on how i felt at the end of the couples counseling today that I should make a decision and stick to it. I certainly agree with her. All this time I have truly waited to have a "feeling" that I was done, but I feel like that may not be realistic. It is probably more realistic to make the conscious decision to be done and things will fall into place after that.
Ouch. Well, no you know. Time for you to be the best you possible. Own your road. OWN IT.
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I am really at a loss now. I truly don't feel like I can or should move forward with her now. Without genuine remorse, she isn't capable of doing the intraspection necessary to determine why she allowed herself to have an A.
Seeing that she is still involved with the OM, you can't move forward with her. Period. Why on earth would you even want to? Step out of the box and think about that one for a minute.
It doesn't matter if she has genuine remorse or not, as the marriage is done. Not trying to sound like an ass, but it is what it is. Don't try to read into things that aren't there.
I truly feel like I have owned my road, and was really close to 100% acceptance until this new little development 2 weeks ago. I am still very close to this 100% but I have lost a little bit of the acceptance I think. I actually believe more so now than I have in the past that this may not be a healthy relationship for me to be in (actually I feel that it won't be healthy for anyone to be involved with her until she has done the hard work mentioned below). I have done the hardwork, and continue to do it, to ensure that I never fall into the same habits that caused her unhappiness (and mine). I KNOW i am a better person, I KNOW what I need to do to be a good partner again (for someone), I KNOW I don't need a partner anymore (I would like one, but I am just fine on my own now), I have overcome the overwhelming amount of codependence, I have determined how to move forward with a secure attachment style rather than a dismissive/avoidant one.
I STRONGLY disagree with you regarding genuine remorse. LITERALLY ANY amount of research you do on this subject will clearly show you that genuine remorse is 100% necessary before any forward movement can be made between a couple. Just because the marriage is done doesn't mean you can just start a new one without the person being remorseful for their wrongdoings. Also, and I can't stress this one enough, genuine remorse is VITAL to create the intraspection necessary in the person who had the affair to help them do the extremely difficult work necessary to understand why they allowed themselves to have an affair, and how to prevent it in the future. Statistically this almost always goes back to childhood and it is an extremely painful thing to relive....without remorse there is no fuel to create that passion necessary to go through this extreme pain. Without going through this extreme pain another affair/infidelity is almost a certainty (statistically speaking of course).
My wife has no remourse and also continues her affair. It hurts and we LBSs should use that as reason to move forward and detach. You can do it!
Firstly, I am so sorry that you are having to deal with and witness the complete and blatant lack of remorse ro conscience by your wife. It is an extremely difficult thing to deal with. Secondly, I do agree with using the lack of remorse as a "tailwind" to push healthy detachment. I just disagreed with it not being necessary to move forward in ANY TYPE of relationship with a person that has comitted an affair. It IS absolutely necessary in this regard; without it there is no chance.
Just because the marriage is done doesn't mean you can just start a new one without the person being remorseful for their wrongdoings
That is very true, sir. But, then again - why would one want to? That shows a lack of caring on their part.
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Statistically this almost always goes back to childhood and it is an extremely painful thing to relive....without remorse there is no fuel to create that passion necessary to go through this extreme pain.
I can relate to that. Unless, of course, the person is just done and wants someone else...or they just don't care.
Valid points, sir.
However, while statistics are nice and shiny to look at, not every person fits the mold and each case is unique. True, there are only so many patterns available. I guess it could be broken down into any aspect one wants to spin it.
There are moments in this life when you are so confident in the rightness of your actions, that not even for a second do you consider the option that you might be wrong.
I just disagreed with it not being necessary to move forward in ANY TYPE of relationship with a person that has comitted an affair. It IS absolutely necessary in this regard; without it there is no chance.
I also 100% agree with this. Until she has remourse, her and i will never be back together.
Im intrigued by your comment about childhood issues, and also believe she'll continue having affairs, etc. until she gets her own mind straight.
M:39 W:36 - D1:2 D2:6 11/19/16 BD1: ILYBNILWY, EA/PA Dec/Jan: MC, pursuing, not DBing 1/11/17 BD2: W wants 1 month break 2/1/17: Divorce Remedy. Start DBing 2/17/17 BD3: W - separation to start D process
