Newbie, need help with WAW!

[180Man]

Haven't had a chance to really review all of your posts but this is a dumb move. Wear it or don't wear it. Don't use it to try to get a reaction out of her. This is about your personal decision and what being married and wearing a ring symbolizes to you.

Yes, you're 100% right. It means everything to me. It hurts to think about it. I backslid this afternoon a good bit after re-reading a note she left me when she came to get her things while I was gone helping her family. Mistake.

H,

Welcome back. Glad you made it back safe from xx. Thank you again for all of the love and support you showed everyone while you were there - I know they are so grateful for the help in such a tragic, hectic time.

I know this is so hard and I'm sorry. I felt like separating my stuff from yours while you weren't here to witness it happening was the best thing for both of us. I wish there was an easier way to go our own ways, but right now - this is the best I can do.

I've tried to leave the house as clean and homey as possible. I didn't like the idea of you being uncomfortable here, so I put all of the "us" things in this gray trunk for you to do with what you need or want to do. I wanted you to have the option to do this your own way - not just on my terms.

I will still answer any questions for you or do whatever you need to understand what has happened and have some closure. I know this is the best for both of us - even if it is hard to see that clearly right now.

Please continue to do the positive, healthy things you need to do to take care of yourself. I care for you very much and want to see you be happy.

Love, W

And I'm thinking this whole afternoon that it's not going to matter what the hell I do, she cares about me and thinks she's doing what's best for both of us. If I show up to this meeting and give the appearance of doing well, validating, etc, it isn't going to matter -- in fact, she said right there she wants to see me happy. So...she sees me "happy" on Monday and she can wash her hands of the whole thing.

I know, my thoughts revolve completely around her. It wasn't that way the first half of the day, I was doing okay until I read that note.

So, back to your ring feedback, my thoughts this morning when I read what you wrote were that I am trying to do my best to GAL and show up to this coffee meeting as happy as I can be. Even if that is faking it till I make it for the time being, I understand this is good for me and really the only valid approach toward my wife at this point in time. And if that's the case, then showing up in clothes that she didn't buy me is a good idea, both for me as a confidence booster and something she will notice. Same for the haircut. Same for the ring. Not to get a rise out of her, I guarantee she won't say anything about any of it, but I was thinking that presenting myself in the manner in which I wish to be perceived is the first step. That's all I was thinking.

Of course right now I'm discouraged from reading her letter. And maybe you're right. I don't know. There are times when it still blows my mind that this is happening and it seems like anything can ignite these thoughts -- seeing a kid and his dad ride bikes down the street, watching our dog curl up on her side of the bed, it doesn't take much.

But, as you guys and my best friend is likely to tell me...stop being a bitch! Suck it up, be the man she met again, not the wet [censored] blanket you've turned into. Yup, I get it. Doesn't make it any easier. But I'm trying, even if it doesn't sound like it right now. If you're going through this and happen to be reading this, I highly recommend the gym. Definitely felt better after going tonight and I've certainly felt better these past three weeks by going pretty much every day. It can sound like a daunting task, but just go.

How to end the conversation on my terms without being awkward?
Me: Ok, this has been a really good conversation. I'm going to go home and think about things. See you later. (if SHE goes in for a hug, just give her a regular friend type hug) Is "See you later" too much, should I use "Take care of yourself" instead? That seems somewhat final...

I like your response - "This conversations has been good. Thank you. Talk to you later." Just like you would say to a business colleague.

Thanks for the feedback man, I really appreciate it and it does help. I noticed from your sig that it seems you're in a similar spot, I'll be sure to swing by your thread and try to give you some of the same support you've given me!

Hi 180,

Be careful not to script this so much in your mind that you get thrown if you haven't planned a response. And you always have "I'll have to think about that." or something similar. You don't have to answer anything. And have no expectations on this meeting.

Have you ordered any of the books? Go with DR to start.

Have you talked with a lawyer? Don't fear talking to a lawyer. Knowledge is power.

Thanks Deckard. I definitely understand the potential pitfalls of scripting it like this, but it really has helped me think about the conversation and figure out what I should and shouldn't say. If I go in cold, I am likely to get thrown at most of what she says! At least with this I'll have studied what types of responses are validating and what are not. I can read the validation thread all day long, but it really helps me to see the examples in reference to my own situation. If I have to shoot from the hip on 75% of our discussion, that's better than 100%! I also overthink things so that doesn't help.

I was trying to figure out which book to start with, but now I know! Thank you!

I have read on the internet about some of the legal stuff, but I haven't talked to any lawyers. It's probably denial and fear. If you haven't noticed, I have been battling a lot of fear throughout this. It's been getting better, but still there. I will keep this advice in mind and try to get myself to do it this week. Ugh.

Her: I think you should date other women
You: I appreciate your thoughts, but the joy in my life is not your responsibility. I'm going to do what I need to do to make myself happy. My DB coach gave me this line for a similar situation.

Her: I think we should just be friends
You: I look forward to us us always being amicable.

Her: I think you should date other women
Me: .....Great idea.

Her: I think we should just be friends
Me: .....No thanks.

Thank you both for your feedback on these, that really really helped!