It takes two to make it work (pt. 6)

[BluWave]

I wanted to jump in and validate your feelings on how much more difficult it is to cope when the A person is a "friend" or someone we know. In terms of gender differences, well I can't speak to that, but I can say as a woman having to think about my H with OW (who I thought was a friend for years), well it made me physically sick. It has also been much harder to forgive him.

I actually thought OW was a close friend; we hung out often, family dinners weekly, family holidays, and even vacations. Although I always had some instincts about her and that she was dishonest and manipulative. Then she started to use our children to spend more time with H, started bad mouthing me to him, and when our M started having troubles, well she was always right by his side wanting to comfort him. This was while my father was dying and right around the time my teen was being diagnosed with bipolar. She preyed on his vulnerabilities. He was weak and ran to what "made" him feel better. I blame her as much as I blame him, because even in my own cloudy depression, I saw her behaviors clearly.

And guess where this psycho moved when she left her H? Right down the street from me. I had to see my car with my kiddo's car seat in front of her apartment. Sick & twisted. He did put his tail between his legs and try to leave her several times--during the EA and when they were together after we split--but it wasn't until their R died (he realized he was running and it wasn't real) and I started to move on that he did his sharp 180 and came back.

So if you have read my sitch, then you know my H has been back for almost 2 years. OW? Well she just moved on to next OM. I do believe that the universe has a way of working these things out. But of course I still have a lot of resentment. It doesn't affect me or my mood, but it remains. I think this is why I still struggle with respecting him.

So where am I going with all of this? No matter how she justifies what she did, every morning she has to wake up and live with herself. She may wake up and justify her behavior or she (most likely) skates through life in a perpetual state of denial. So I pity anyone that lives without introspection; it must be a shallow and lonely existence. How can you ever have deep and meaningful relationships if you can't look inside yourself and grow? If you can be okay hurting others? If you can keep running to others for validation?

My H is in a different boat, in that he has looked at himself, his mistakes, and he has tried to make changes. However, this has also come with a painful price and led to more shame and depression. It is gotten better and he is looking forward, but this is forever in his history. You can't escape your bad choices, even when you make them right. He hurt so many people in this, including all of our friends, family, and his own children. I would never want that riding on my shoulders.

So we LBS get to hold our heads high. I am not perfect and we ALL make mistakes, but overall I feel proud of the choices that I made. I am still trying to DB and look at myself and how to be a better W, mother, and person. I am still fighting for my M and my family. I am trying to do what is right and I think there is honor in that. I would never go after a friend's H, have an A, or hurt people that I care about. I am proud of my character. I think I have attracted awesome people and friends in my life because of that.

So as hard and as painful as this is, all you (we) can do is wake up each morning and try a little bit harder. Make choices that you can be proud of. Look inside of yourself, and even if it's painful, face those challenges. As time goes on, I promise, you will heal and you will get stronger. And as for the liars, cheaters, and deniers? Well, I think you will learn to feel sorry for them, as they will not come out on top. If you keep fighting the good fight, you WILL COME OUT ON TOP. Juts believe in yourselves. You are here reading and so I believe in you.

Blu