By the grace of God

[mleigh4]

Hi Job, I am glad to hear you think I handled H well. I also think you are right about his growing up years being tough. He had a police officer dad who wasn't home much, two older sisters who I hear were a real handful, and friends that he did drugs with and who all haven't gone very far, some still at home! I am proud of H, with his accomplishments, but his emotions are a mess.

It seems he did listen and opened up an R talk, to my surprise. It was very long so I will keep it short.

He said he IS sorry but knows he needs to say it when I am not asking for it. He explained how hard this has been for all of us and continues to cause a lot of stress and sleepless nights for him. He described his emotions as sad, scared, confused, angry, upset, regretful, hopeful and hurt all mixed up together most of the time over this. He said he doesn't know the answer or how to fix this. He said it would be easy to say we should live together again, or we should just end the marriage and move on, but how would we know if either was a mistake? He apologized again for handling certain things the way he did, nothing was done on purpose to hurt me, that he is far from perfect. He pointed out he is not to blame for all of this, we both played our parts in it. He said despite our differences in opinion on parenting, he thinks I am a great mother and S is lucky to have me. Again, he was sorry, he just couldn't keep feeling the way he did. He understands I am angry and hopes this didn't make me angrier.

I thanked him for opening up. I told him his described emotions are spot on to mine, but because we never talk about anything, they will lead us to failure. I told him we don't need to figure this out alone, that we can do it together. I said nothing is magically going to just happen, that unless lessons have been learned and changes have been made, nothing would be different, and that is my biggest fear, which I pointed out may be his too. I said our bond and connection is deep through our son, but without a deeper connection of being open and honest, and being able to talk to each other, I don't see how it could ever work. I told him his silence has hurt as much as everything else has and the pain from this hasn't stopped. I asked him to just be real with me. I said there is the option to divorce, I don't see living together as a smart option, I had suggested dating but that never happened. I told him there was a time I would have done anything to keep my family together, I just feel I have tried everything and don't know what to do anymore except to just live my life. I said I am not angry, I just don't know what you want from me?

I asked him to do me a big favor when he had a few minutes of quiet time. I do this exercise often and think it would be good for all of us trying to decide which path to take.

I asked him to think about 2 different scenarios. With each one, he needs to really feel it and be in the moment.

Scenario 1..... We are on a cruise ship, a new big one with all the bells and whistles. We are walking through, dressed and ready to go have a nice dinner followed by a comedy show. We are planning our next day in port, time on the beach followed by exploring a new island. Just be there and feel that for a few minutes.

Scenario 2..... picture a commercial building We are in a conference room, just me, you and a man in a suit. We are sitting across from each other at a big table with papers all around. We are splitting up assets, deciding who gets what, and finalizing the terms for S. We both have pens and are getting ready to sign the petition for divorce. We know when we leave, everything will be different. New lives, not spending time together, New partners, a new start ahead. Feel that and be there for a few minutes.

I said, now, think deep. Which one feels right for you? Not which one you wish could happen or hope for. Which one brings a feeling of peace and content? One should feel more right than the other, that is the direction you should move towards.

Soooooooooo we will see if any of that sinks in or just flies off with the wind. Funny thing though, if he does try my exercise, he may not feel anything towards either, which is exactly where we are at and have been for 3 years! Lol! so they may be a waste of time for him. But for me, that is the trick to helping me realize, I am not ready to be the one to put us at that table. I can be there and am ready to deal with it, but I am not ready to initiate it.

I am off work today. Since the market has slowed down a bit, normal for this time of year, instead of lay offs, my company offered a voluntary unpaid day off each pay period. I am not thrilled about it but I can make it work. Me and my office agreed we would rather do this than see any of us let go. So I have some free time on my hands! S is excited for me to pick him up after school, going to make it a nice day.

Thanks for listening and being a part of my journey. I will update if anything further happens.

M