Sink or Swim

[Dawgs]

I haven't started a thread on this board in quite a while as I moved over to one of the other boards here due to things being done.

This Friday will be the final meeting with her to finish a few things and then the only contact will be about the children, even as little as that is.

I found this place about a month or so after BD and have received some great advice and help...everyone really goes out of the way here. Awesome doesn't begin to describe the light in this dark sea that they provide. I never thought things would be where they are now...not in a million years. I always held out hope that she would come back and we could be a family again...even after all she has done.

Those of you familiar with my situation know what I was up against and that the battle was a losing one from the start. Even now, new things are coming to light...and I'm not even shocked anymore. There's a dead space where she was. Sure, I DB'd the hell out her, and also made a lot of mistakes - I'll be the first to admit that if there was a mistake to be made, I made it.

It took me a long time to realize mistakes are OK. We aren't perfect...not by a long shot. I had to come to grips with many things during the course of the two years since BD. Lost my wife, best friend, and lover. I had to come to grips that some just don't come back. One of the most disheartening things I have ever dealt with was learning that the marriage - and me - was nothing to her.

And then there was her affair. The ultimate stab in the back. Trust isn't earned easy to begin with, but with the lies and cover ups, she ground what little I had left into oblivion. And yet more stuff still comes out. After seeing every single picture on the OM's phone, its no wonder my views of cheaters is what it is. I know that one shouldn't expect an apology or even remorse, but there was none...nothing for the two families destroyed. The OMs now ex wife and I have become friends and talk regularly, and she shared a bit of information last week that was just brought to her attention. Sigh.

But in my case there is an asterisk. My ex is an adult and fully aware of what she has done. Her childhood was one that no one should ever go through. No one. The abuse she suffered is beyond belief, and I truly am amazed that she is functioning this well. Although she hid it very, very well. However, I knew nothing of it until after BD. Nothing. I knew nothing of the abuse, rapes, suicide attempts, beatings, attempt on her life - Nothing. Her past shapes her decisions in the present. Our MC (and also my IC) feels she is still in her survival mode and how it affects her now. She's a chameleon. Sigh.

Sometimes we just have to realize that there is nothing that we can do and that they won't be coming back. Ever. I'm stronger now than I've been in a long, long time. My knees no longer wobble. She doesn't cross my mind all that much, either. However, there are times when her ghost makes itself known.