So Confused and Conflicted (3)

[WshIKnw]

Wsh -
I notice in a lot of your posts there's a "yeah, but" to them. Here's the thing, if your wife felt it, then it was real TO HER. Theres nobody 'defending' her, instead, what Jeep was trying to do was for you to look at those words from your wife's point of view. You say "i didnt mean this or that" or "It wasnt in that way" or whatever. But like I said before, I think you need to look at things from a different perspective.

If your wife felt demeaned, then you were demeaning. It doesnt matter what your intent may have been.

Now, going forward, it isnt about what you say to her. It isnt about taking blame. It isnt about apologizing.

It's about BEING THE CHANGE. How can you take the valuable information that she gave you and mold yourself into the man you want to be? Im not saying every item on her list has merit. I am saying that you need to filter it so that you can set goals for yourself to make personal change.

I think you make a good point. I have often been of the opinion that if I don't think you being offended by what I've done is reasonable, then I'm not going to take responsibility or apologize for my action. But that mindset got me in trouble with my wife a lot. I see absolutely no reason for her to think that I don't want her to think highly of herself, simply because I don't like boastfulness. But to her, it probably seemed that way -- that I didn't want her to think highly of herself. I always tried to explain to her that I wanted her to have a good self esteem, but that there is a difference between thinking complimentary things about yourself in your head and saying them to other people -- a difference between humility and boastfulness. But just because I see it that way, that doesn't mean she does. And whether or not she has a good reason to feel like I don't want her to feel good about herself, that's how she feels about it, and I don't want her to feel that way about it, because then she thinks I'm a jerk, and that's obviously not good.

So, instead, I need to learn to try to understand other people's feelings, rather than argue that they shouldn't have them. I have been very guilty of not doing this, with my wife. I need to empathize with how people feel -- imagine feeling that way myself -- and then work to change the way they feel. If I have to accept that they feel that way as a result of me doing X, then that's what I have to accept, and maybe just don't do X. Just don't complain when she compliments herself. Bite my tongue, and fight more important battles. Maybe just tell her, "I'm glad you have a positive self esteem." I don't know if I could continue biting my tongue when she responds to my compliments with "mmhmm" ("I know"), because that really hurts my feelings and makes me feel like she doesn't value my compliments. I always had issues with her complimenting herself, but I don't think the "mmhmm"s started until the last several months of our marriage. She was showing resentment, I think. We still got along very well, though. So, it was still a major shock when she dropped the bomb.