By the grace of God

[mleigh4]

Hi Altair, Job, Sotto. I have a lot of issues dealing with guilt on how I treat people. It stems with my dysfunctional relationship with my mom. Unfortunately, I tend to be taken advantage of because of it, which may be why I struggle to pull away from H. I say I will over and over again, and here I am.

H is very comfortable, and I am aware I am part of that. Although, I am pretty comfortable too. We are both using each other in a sense. The sad reality for me is, I yearn to hear him say he wants to come home, that he messed up and is sorry. But I swear I do not want him living back in this house. What kind of crazy is that? I try and try to figure it out.

I don't remember the last time he asked me anything about myself. It's all about him. The latest drama being about our mutual friend he works with being fired. He is on a rant, angry as spit at H, even calling customers and badmouthing H. H just texted saying that friend is "making up stories", telling people H recently got divorced and it's messing with his job. Lovely. I hope this guy doesn't call me. He is who H was real close with at BD and I almost feel like H is building up his case before I might hear anything....

H apologized for venting to me tonight on text but said there is no one else who knows the true story. I want to say it's not right to come to me to vent all the time. I want to just not reply! But I just don't have the heart you guys. I simply replied, "yes, someone else from your company also told me we were divorced. (True) He is mad, it will pass, just let it go"

Short and sweet. So yes, my good friend works at same company as H. I met up with her and another co-worker one night for dinner and co worker heard H and I were divorced, not separated. I corrected her and changed the subject real quick. No H talk.

So anyway, I will work on my soft back bone here. I do hear what you guys are saying. A lot of this contact has been for S, but he is getting older now, and he has adapted so well to everything, so I will keep that in mind and work on me. My feelings need to start coming before H feelings.