Newbie, need help with WAW!

[180Man]

Hey 180,

This isn't just about validating W feelings. This is about you projecting that you are going to be okay regardless of what happens here (you know that right? If you end up D, you will be okay.). If she asks about what you are doing, don't give specifics, be vague. Don't tell her you want her back and will help her move back in. She already knows that.

Thanks for the reply. Yeah...I guess I know that. This morning at work I was feeling pretty good, even thinking about some minor career moves/contacts I could make this week to help me down the road. But then I went to grab some lunch and it hit me again. I think part of her reasoning for D is she thinks I would be better off without her and that makes me sad. And of course even more sad if I start to think about her deciding for herself that she'd be better off without me. Came home just now and the dog was here waiting for me, she has certainly been affected by my W's absence. And there's the house...which, like any house, has stuff that needs to be fixed and it can feel overwhelming at times.

But...I'm going to clean the kitchen, go to the gym, and then keep working on my to-do list the rest of the night. Need to find an open mic night, hopefully sometime this week. Going to clean my sports car which has been collecting dust in the garage since this all started. Need to find a hair stylist who can give me a proper haircut rather than the standard buzz cut I normally get. Take the dog to the dog park. Maybe play some video games. That should get me through the rest of the day and hopefully tomorrow will be just a little bit better, and so on...

Has there been a time during this process that W has ever felt like she may be losing you? A little after the A was discovered, but after that?

Immediately after the A was discovered, but other than that, no. I see what you mean, you make a really good point. I was thinking about how to end our upcoming conversation (Monday) on the drive home today. I need to find some polite yet firm words that I can use. Initially I was thinking something like "Okay, it was nice seeing you, we should both go think about what we've talked about and sit down for coffee again," but now I'm more inclined toward "Okay, it was nice seeing you, I'm going to think about what we've talked about. Bye."

No "see you later" or "we should meet again for coffee," because even though this is a minor and seemingly innocent statement, it will take away from me going dark immediately thereafter. I also need to figure out how to end the conversation at a time of my choosing without interrupting her or being awkward about the timing. Or maybe I'm over-thinking it again...

And you are going to ask if that just doesn't make it seem like you are ok with the D and accepting it. That's fear, and you can't let it rule you. The point is to move from the pursuer to the pursued.

Yes, I have recently read the sticky thread about pursuer/distancer and also saw it in a book I was reading in December (I think it was in "Hold Me Tight" but I've read so much lately it's hard to keep track. Good book, either way, but Emotionally Focused Therapy is a hard approach for an emotional avoider to buy off on....just ask my wife!). Anyways, I'll probably read through it again, I think that is exactly what's going on. I was on the phone with my friend last night talking about this and stumbled on an email from my W from 2010. She was upset at me at the time for being the distancer -- I was slow to get into this relationship initially because I was hung up on ex-gf baggage. I guess I know how my W felt now...